When I was a bride, the last thing I wanted my bridesmaids to think was that I’d suddenly turned bossy or demanding.
After all, I was asking them to shell out money for dresses, meet me places for appointments, give speeches and toasts, and more. I’d never asked that much of them before—for anything!
The feeling was completely foreign. But gradually, I realized there was a difference between bossing someone around, and simply leading them.
A lot of it comes down to the language you use, and what kind of requests you’re making.
Before we get to how you should phrase things with your bridesmaids, here are some things you definitely should not say.
12 Things NOT to Say to Your Bridesmaids and Maid of Honor
1. “You have to do this.”
No one likes being told what to do—and your bridesmaids will be no exception!
Even if it’s true—example, “You have to order this dress before March”—that phrasing instantly puts people off. We enjoy autonomy, and to feel like the person in charge (you) is considerate of our time, energy, money, and feelings.
Commands differ from leadership language. Instead of an order, it’s phrased more like a simple fact. “The deadline to order is the beginning of March.”
This avoids the bossy tone, but conveys info in a straightforward “that’s just the way things are” manner.
2. “You don’t seem committed to the wedding.”
This sentence reeks of entitlement, and will make you sound like a spoiled princess. Even if you say it as nicely as possible, and even if it’s true: your bridesmaid doesn’t seem to care one iota about the wedding.
So why can’t you say it?
Because commitment is equal parts action, and emotion. To assume someone isn’t committed to something implies you see everything they’re doing 24-7, and that you know how they feel or think.
Hearing this will make your bridesmaids think you’re bossy, and lead to resentment.
What’s more, “commitment” is a spectrum—everyone commits differently. And no one can officially say what is or isn’t a bridesmaid’s full job.
Fully committed, to some bridesmaids, might just mean showing up on the wedding day in the dress you chose. Everything else is extra.
To others, it’s the whole enchilada: showing up, dressing up, and attending any and all pre-wedding events, brunches, craft nights, and more.
Both interpretations, and anything in between, are correct. Unless a bridesmaid is MIA when she promised she’d do more, you can’t hold her to your personal standard. Hers is valid.
Finally: this is your wedding—not your bridesmaids’. No one will care about every detail as much as you. And no one can or wants to commit as much of their time and energy, either.
3. “You need to devote more time to this.”
Again, it’s all about phrasing—it’s often not what a bride says that makes her sound bossy or controlling, but simply how.
In this case, telling someone what they need to do? It’s too controlling. And it often leads to resistance and resentment.
Again, it may be perfectly true. Maybe your bridesmaid really isn’t devoting enough time to her duties (assuming you’ve discussed and agreed upon them beforehand).
But she owns her time, not you. You’re not paying her to be in your wedding, so you don’t get to dictate how much time she does or doesn’t devote.
A better way of phrasing this is to involve yourself, too: “Let’s carve out some time we’re both free this week; I’d love to help you with that.”
This creates a “fair” sacrifice—you’re asking for her time, but giving up some of your own too.
4. “Don’t get pregnant.”
Ridiculous as it sounds to some, there really are brides out there who say this. I’ve been in their wedding parties.
And yes, they might say it like a joke—but it’s never funny.
Never say this to your bridesmaids. It implies your wedding is more important than their own life, and that they have to put every milestone on hold for yours.
It also carries a creepy “I own you” vibe. You don’t control their time, or their bodies.
What’s more, some women struggle with fertility. A comment like this, even in jest, can open a wound and sound callous.
And if you are truly worried about a bridesmaid getting pregnant—say, because she won’t be able to fly to the wedding, or won’t fit in her dress—cross that bridge if and when you come to it later.
Cars can be rented, and dresses can be altered. Let your bridesmaid decide how to handle these issues: she’s a grown woman, and perfectly capable of managing her own life and body.
5. “Lose weight.”
Again: don’t ever say this. Even if you’re kidding.
I’ve witnessed bridesmaids quit over the bride’s comments about their weight.
My only regret was that I didn’t quit with them, because in retrospect, that was a huge red flag the bride was spoiled, arrogant, and only saw her bridesmaids as props–not real people.
It bears repeating that you do not control your bridesmaids’ bodies, or their time. Just because they’ll be in your wedding doesn’t mean you get to dictate how they’ll look to a T.
A good rule of thumb? Don’t comment on anything they can’t change in one day. And don’t make them change anything they can’t undo at the end of the night.
Example: it’s fine to ask a bridesmaid to cover a tattoo, especially an inappropriate one.
It’s not okay to tell her she can’t get any new tattoos until after the wedding.
So instead of fussing over a bridesmaid’s weight, choose a dress that flatters her. Listen to her concerns, and let her modify her dress as she deems necessary (e.g., adding straps if she’s got a bigger bust, or wearing a shawl in photos if it makes her more comfortable).
If a bridesmaid chooses to lose weight or not, it’s her decision. It has nothing to do with you. Presumably, you asked her to be in your wedding because you love her—no matter what size she is.
6. “The wedding should be your main priority.”
Similar to the “commitment” and “time devotion” don’ts listed above, this comment comes across as bossy, entitled, and then some.
The bride doesn’t get to dictate her bridesmaid’s priorities.
What’s more, she shouldn’t expect that to be their main priority!
Your wedding is just that: yours. No one else has to, or will, care about it and prioritize it like you. They’ve got their own lives going on.
7. “You need to match the other bridesmaids.”
Bridesmaids are people. Not props.
Your wedding party are the individuals (emphasis on that word!) who you simply can’t imagine getting married without. If you chose them just because you wanted a fleet of matching women in your wedding portraits, you’ve got your priorities all wrong.
Presumably, you love different things about each of your girls—so you should be happy to see those differences shining in their varied looks and styles.
This comes down to clothing and makeup to an extent, as well. It’s not the end of the world if most of your girls want heels, but one prefers flats.
You can, however, share your concerns when the difference to the other bridesmaids will be stark or truly distracting—but still phrase it like a request, not a command.
For example, if a bridesmaid dyes her hair bright pink without asking you, you can request she tone it down or choose a neutral color for the wedding day.
8. “We’re a team/family!”
Have you ever worked somewhere like this? Chances are, the immediate feeling of cringe swept over you like a wave.
Even if some coworkers feel like family, that doesn’t make you one. It’s a workplace. It’s not the center of your life, just part of it.
Being in a wedding feels the same way.
Yes, even if your bridesmaids are your BFFs or literal family to you. They might not all feel that same way towards each other, and foisting that framework on your wedding party feels fake at best.
At worst, it implies your bridesmaids are expected to sacrifice as much for your wedding as they would for their own families.
Obviously, this probably isn’t your intention. You just want to foster closeness in the group.
But actions speak louder than words. So instead of forcing that closeness, create it. Arrange a brunch or craft night for your girls to get to know each other.
And accept that not all of them might grow close. Some will. Others won’t. And some will form temporary friendships, never to speak again until your anniversary parties. And that’s perfectly fine.
Your bridesmaids get to decide who they let into their lives, how much, and why. Don’t force it.
9. “Tell the other bridesmaids for me.”
This mostly applies to your maid of honor. While the MOH does frequently take the reins in leading and directing bridesmaids, it shouldn’t be on your behalf.
An MOH, or any bridesmaid, should only have to communicate internally to the group. In other words: about matters that concern bridesmaids. Not you. The bachelorette party plans, or a surprise bridal shower for instance.
But reminding girls to order their dresses? Confronting a bridesmaid who isn’t pulling her weight? That’s on you. Do not put the burden on another bridesmaid or the MOH.
Your bridesmaids aren’t staff, and the MOH is not their manager.
10. “You think that’s expensive? I’m spending thousands, guys.”
Yes, I’ve heard this one too. A bride (the same one who made comments about some girls’ weight, unsurprisingly) said this gem when we told her none of us wanted to pay $1,200 for her “dream bachelorette weekend” in Miami.
Our response, when she said that was nothing—“I’m spending twenty grand on this wedding”—was to laugh at her.
Literally. It was just that ridiculous of her to say. Of course she was spending more; it was her wedding!
Don’t be like that bride. None of the wedding party is still friends with her, for obvious reasons.
Your girls’ budgets matter, and deserve your respect. Even if you disagree about how expensive something is—and yes, even if the sting in your own wallet is much worse—because, frankly, it’s supposed to be.
11. Don’t send bridesmaids too-frequent or overly-detailed texts or emails.
Sometimes, it’s not how you phrase things to your bridesmaids that will make you seem bossy: it’s how often.
Your bridesmaids have their own lives too. While the wedding might be on your mind 24-7, it’s not on theirs like that. It shouldn’t be.
So to get daily messages from a bride, on all details big and small? It’s annoying at best, and bossy at worst. Once again, it implies you’re trying to control or monopolize their time.
Or, on the opposite end of that spectrum: instead of frequent messages, you send long, rambling ones loaded with so many details, no one can keep them straight.
Listen, a few long novels here and there are fine. Even necessary. It’s virtually impossible to plan a bachelorette getaway or arrange a dress-shopping trip without some info dumping.
But trim the fat where you can. Keep the details to the “must know” facts.
Bad example: “Hi ladies! I just saved a bunch of bridesmaid dresses to the Pinterest board, so flip through when you get a chance and text me your favorites. We’ll vote on which one to order, the red ones need to be placed by March but green ones can wait until April if that matters. I’m thinking we’ll all go to the alterations place together when they arrive and see if…” (etc.)
Awful, right? Too long-winded. Too much info!
Instead:
“I’ve saved some dresses to the board on Pinterest! Here’s the link. Tell me your favorites and we’ll go from there.”
Overall, don’t stress about this tip too much. Your bridesmaids are your best friends and family, so they’ll forgive occasional over-excitement and wedding overload.
But keep it in mind, especially in the early stages of planning. You don’t want to burn them out before crunch time.
12. Do not treat them like free staff.
Finally, the most important tip of all to avoid sounding bossy to your bridesmaids?
Just don’t boss them around.
If you’re treating your girls with respect, making fair and polite requests, and being considerate of their time and energy—you’ve got nothing to worry about. Your priorities are in the right place, and your tone will reflect that.
On the other hand, if you’re barking orders or asking them to do things you should either be doing yourself, or hiring professionals to do? You’re bossy. And, frankly, not acting like a good friend.
Bridesmaids should not have to set up or clean your venue, with the possible exception of “final touches” (candles, photos, etc.). That’s for caterers and venue operators to do, or hired helpers.
They shouldn’t be in charge of coordinating your event or remembering cues (other than their own) during the processional; that’s a day-of coordinator or wedding planner’s job.
They’re also not obligated to do wedding crafts with you, or go thrifting for picture frames, or even join you for brunches and luncheons. Those things are nice, of course—but they’re favors. Not requirements.
Yes, it’s an honor to be a bridesmaid. But it’s also an honor to the bride that they’ve accepted this expensive, time-consuming role. Without respect, any wedding will fall apart—and so will those friendships.
10 Ways to Phrase Requests to Bridesmaids Without Sounding Bossy
Fortunately, I know most brides reading this have no problem avoiding that list of what not to say to their bridesmaids.
But even then, knowing what you should say is tricky. Here are some ways you can word your requests to your bridesmaids, without sounding like you’re bossing them around:
1. “Do you have the availability for this?”
Instead of asking if a bridesmaid has time to fulfill a request for you, get specific: does she have availability, or energy, or mental clarity?
Most of us always have “time.” It might not be much, but it exists.
Asking about specifics shows a deeper level of consideration for your bridesmaid’s schedule and wellbeing.
What’s more, it forces chronic people-pleasers to actually stop and think before they commit to something (guilty).
2. “What’s your budget?”
This is best asked in private, during a one-on-one meeting or in a separate text thread with each of your bridesmaids.
Asking all the girls at once might inhibit honesty, and make those who can’t spend much feel inferior. Or pressured to inflate their numbers and fit in.
Once you’ve got each girl’s budget, work with the lowest one in mind when you select dresses, shoes, etc.
This shows your girls you care about their situations, and don’t want their bridesmaid role to cause any financial burden.
3. “Before we dive into wedding stuff—how are things going with you?”
It’s easy to get swept up in wedding planning. It’s all we think about as the day draws closer. So, naturally, it’s pretty much all we talk about!
Take a moment to check in with your bridesmaids before you tackle wedding tasks. They’ll appreciate that you’re thinking of them as people, not just your bridesmaids.
Additionally, you might enjoy the break from wedding talk more than you realize!
4. “Here are the details.”
Earlier, I mentioned the importance of phrasing—and avoiding telling your bridesmaids “you need to do this” or that.
However, there are some things they really will need to do: ordering dresses on time, scheduling alterations, making the rehearsal, etc.
For must-know deadlines and requirements, state them outright. But avoid telling the girls what they need, have to, or should do. Instead, present the facts as…well, just that: facts.
Example: “Hi everyone! Here are the details on the bridesmaids dresses: the ordering deadline is March 1st. Here’s the number. The alterations place is requesting fittings before April 30; here’s the address.”
Short, sweet, and straight to the point.
5. “I want your input.”
Yes, it’s your wedding—and your bridesmaids might even be saying that to you, every time you ask for their opinion!
But even if they’re reluctant to provide their input, keep asking for it. Everyone has preferences, even if they’re flexible. Make sure they like the color of their dresses, or the style. Get their input on the kind of shoes they’re most comfortable in.
Feedback like that will help your girls look and feel their best on the big day. In addition, you asking for their opinions sets the tone of “I’m a team captain,” rather than bossy.
6. “The deadline for this is…”
This goes along with “here are the details” from above, but I wanted to emphasize this in particular—and clarify that you can use it even when there’s not a deadline.
In fact, you should!
People generally don’t do well with too many choices. Likewise, too much time can lead to procrastination.
So even if your girls technically have until the wedding day to pay the makeup artist their share of the cost, for example, set a date at least a little in advance of that.
This keeps your bridesmaids on task, especially those prone to procrastinate, and gives some leeway to any who forget.
7. “Thank you” / “I appreciate that.”
Gratitude goes a long way. Your bridesmaids are working hard to be in your wedding and make it great — even if you don’t see everything they’re doing—so thank them often.
Similarly, don’t skimp on the bridesmaids gifts! I’ve been in far too many weddings where the gifts for bridesmaids and groomsmen were clearly last-minute afterthoughts.
They don’t have to be expensive or flashy, either. Just something heartfelt to show your appreciation for all they do.
8. “Full disclosure…”
Don’t omit key details from your bridesmaids to avoid awkwardness, arguments, or resistance. Get it out in the open.
“Full disclosure, you’ll be co-planning the shower with my aunt—and she’s a bit of a control freak.”
“Full disclosure, I don’t know how many sizes this dress has in stock. We might have to pick a backup.”
“Full disclosure, the hotel near our venue is at the very top end of the budget we set. I don’t want anyone getting caught off-guard. Let me know if the numbers don’t work.”
Not disclosing important info ahead of time (whenever possible) leads to blindsided bridesmaids. It can even cause bitterness or distrust.
If you have the time to give them a heads up, do so.
9. “The plan is…”
This language frames your requests in a clean, buttoned-up way—while still leaving room for their input. It tells the listener, “I’m about to tell you what you’ll be doing, and key details you need to know” without outright commanding anything.
“The plan for the bachelorette weekend: everyone please meet at Amy’s house at 7:00 am on Friday. We’ll split into 2 cars and head for the cabin. Friday night is the wine tasting, and Saturday is our hiking day.”
10. Accept that you might feel bossy sometimes!
Despite your best efforts, requests and directions might still feel bossy when you deliver them to your bridesmaids.
This doesn’t mean you are bossy, or that your girls think you are. It’s most likely because you aren’t used to firmness and leadership.
And at the end of the day, that’s what you are: the leader of your wedding party.
A boss dictates, whereas a leader guides. Your bridesmaids need you to give them directions, details, and specifics—so don’t be afraid to do so! Otherwise, you risk becoming a bride-chilla. And honestly, that’s just as bad as being rude or bossy.
Treat Your Bridesmaids With Respect, and You Don’t Have to Worry
As long as you speak to your girls the way you would a friend—which is what they are, after all!—you don’t have to wonder if you’re being bossy or not.
Respect, consideration, clarity, and gratitude are the keys to great communication.
Don’t get too caught up in the phrasing or syntax, but don’t ignore it, either.
And if you do discover you’re bossing your bridesmaids around? It’s never too late to apologize and correct course.
