It’s become a common trope in TV and movies: brides putting their girls in horrendous bridesmaid dresses, so laughably ugly it’s clear they’re almost always doing it on purpose to make themselves look better.
But in real life, not only are downright ugly bridesmaid dresses uncommon — rarely are they chosen maliciously.
Even in the worst wedding I was in, the bride didn’t choose our unflattering (nude-colored) dresses on purpose. She just truly, wholeheartedly loved how they look. The rest of us didn’t, but we kept our mouths shut.
After all, that’s what good bridesmaids do…isn’t it?
Actually, no!
Bridesmaids have every right to tell their bride they don’t like something they’ll be wearing or doing on the big day, because we aren’t props for photos. We’re people.
Still, is there a delicate way to tell a bride you hate your bridesmaid dress?
Don’t Assume the Bride Chose A Bad Dress On Purpose
First and foremost, we need to remember that 99.99% of the time, the bride didn’t pick a dress you hate on purpose.
(And if she did, and she’s one of those rare brides who thinks dressing her bridesmaids down will make herself look better, you’ve got an even bigger problem: backing out of this wedding!)
For the most part, brides choose the dresses they genuinely like the look of. They might not be thinking about how it’ll fit all the girls’ bodies—maybe it looks great on curvier figures, but shapeless and frumpy on skinnier frames.
Or perhaps it’s perfect for less-endowed busts…but more ample bosoms will quickly be finding the escape route.
Like the wedding I mentioned earlier, maybe it’s the color or fabric—shades or combos that match the wedding palette beautifully…but don’t translate to being worn by actual people.
Whatever the reason, go into this conversation with your bride assuming she had the best of intentions, not the worst.
When and How to Tell the Bride You Don’t Like Your Dress — Without Hurting Her Feelings
Once you have the right mindset to approach this topic, you need the right setting and the right timing.
Setting: in-person is best, but text is all right if you two have a great texting pattern (i.e., no past fights caused by text misinterpretations).
Whatever you pick, do it alone. Even if you know another bridesmaid hates their dress too, it should be just you and the bride in this conversation.
With rare exceptions, involving more than one bridesmaid will make the bride feel ganged up on, and like her girls have been talking behind her back.
And if you do drop another bridesmaid’s name to strengthen your case, do it tactfully, and with their permission beforehand.
Next: timing.
Bottom line, do not tell a bride you don’t like your bridesmaid dress if there’s not enough time to order new dresses or find other solutions.
You don’t have to lie and fawn over your ugly frock, of course—but consider sucking it up and donning it just one day, if it helps avoid that last-minute headache (she’s got a lot of those already).
How Do I Know If It’s Too Late to Tell the Bride I Want a Different Bridesmaid Dress?
This is a tough call, because every wedding planning timeline is different.
A good rule of thumb: 6+ weeks before the wedding is fair game. It’s enough time to actually get the dresses delivered, alterations or not, and make a fair decision after you try it on.
But 6 weeks or fewer? Proceed with extreme caution, if you do decide to tell her. There’s a high probability she’s in crunch time—finalizing vendor orders, scrambling for last-minute changes, and wrangling RSVPs from the guests that never bothered to reply to her invitations.
Presumably, you’re in this wedding because you know the bride very well (or her fiancé), so use that closeness to your advantage.
Ask around, read her texts carefully, and gauge how she’s doing. If she seems exceptionally high-strung, maybe it’s not the best time to bring up a dress change…if ever.
Major exception to the rule: you don’t like your dress because it’s see-through, way too short, cut way too low, or exposes you in a way you’re uncomfortable with.
Ditto on poor-quality craftsmanship, like faulty zippers or flimsy straps.
The blessing of these kinds of problems? They aren’t just supported by your opinion. Your potential nudity speaks for itself!
In these cases, it’s totally reasonable to either get the issues fixed at an alterations shop, or order a replacement dress at the last minute.
The Exact Words You Can Use If You Don’t Like Your Dress
Whether face-to-face, over video, or in text, here’s a fool-proof formula to express your feelings on your bridesmaid dress without making the bride feel upset.
1. State why you want to talk to her, your goal in this convo, and get her input on the time that works for her.
Steer clear of the dreaded “we need to talk.” It’s too heavy and vague, and is known to send paranoid brides into a spiral of worst-case scenarios.
Stating upfront what you want the conversation to be about, and what you hope to achieve with it, gives you two a roadmap from the very start.
Asking if she has a minute to talk, meanwhile, will allow her to clear her schedule for this conversation, or find a time and place to meet you in person.
Example:
“Hi [Bride]! I wanted to touch base with you about the bridesmaid dress. I’m having some issues with it, and was hoping we could brainstorm solutions. Do you have a minute?”
2. Start with what you do like about the dress.
Yes, it’s the old “praise, criticism, praise” sandwich you learned about during peer edits in English classrooms. Bookend your criticisms with positive attributes of the dress—you can think of at least a couple!
This isn’t to sugarcoat or BS the bride, but a tried-and-true tip to make people more open to crticism.
Starting with the positive (and ending with it) makes the other person feel less attacked or judged, and gives them the feeling that, overall, the conversation was a positive one—because most of it will be.
Still, don’t flat-out lie. You owe honesty to your bride, and yourself. After all, if you hate the cut and color of your dress, but tell her the light taupe shade she picked is “lovely,” she might just call your bluff—picking a different dress in the exact same shade.
Stick with bits of praise that are undeniably true.
Example:
“I think it’s great we’re going to match your wedding color scheme! It’s going to make the wedding party look so cohesive and classy. The baby pink doesn’t exactly flatter my skin tone, though. Do you think we can explore your other wedding colors for dress options?”
3. State your criticisms nicely, but clearly.
Year ago, I got a great tip from a friend:
If you have to make things awkward, make them honest.
This conversation is, frankly, going to be a little weird and awkward no matter how delicately you approach it. No amount of fudging truths or sugarcoating will change that—so don’t do it.
You do want to be tactful, though. So the balance, ideally, is right between BS-ing the bride, and just being plain brutal.
Don’t tell her a dress “just isn’t your preference,” but don’t unleash “it makes me look like a walking dog turd,” either. Find that sweet spot: truthful, but tactful.
Also, get specific. “I don’t like it” isn’t in that sweet spot, and it doesn’t help the bride in her next dress choice for you, either. She needs to know exactly what you don’t like about it, so she can look for alternatives in the next dress hunt.
Examples:
“This color isn’t something I’m comfortable wearing in front of people and in tons of portraits. It washes me out.”
“This silhouette looks great on [another bridesmaid, the model, etc.], but it’s not translating on my body type, since I have wider hips/larger bust/shorter height, etc.”
4. Ask what other dresses she’s considered, and if she has any second (or third) choices you could consider.
Yes, this is a bit of a consolation prize. It’s hard to tell someone you don’t like their choice, but at least you’re showing you’re open to their other choices.
Chances are, your bride didn’t walk into a shop and pick the first bridesmaid dress she saw. There were days or weeks (or months) of Pinterest boards, internet searches, magazine perusal, and more before she selected your bridesmaid dress.
Along the way, she probably found more than a few she liked. Ask to see those runners-up, and offer to try some on.
Example:
“I’d love to see the other bridesmaid dresses you were thinking about, if you have them saved anywhere!”
5. Lastly, offer your own solution (more on that below).
I’m very fond of the saying, “Don’t point out problems if you aren’t prepared to offer solutions.”
When you approach the bride with this problem, there’s a pretty good chance it’ll blindside her. She thinks “bridesmaids dresses” are finished: one box checked off her ever-growing list.
To cushion the impact, come prepared with some potential fixes like the ones below.
7 Solutions When You Don’t Like the Dress the Bride Picked For You
1. Find a similar one (online or nearby) first.
Again, it’s a great rule to live by: don’t mention a problem unless you have a solution to offer, too.
That doesn’t mean your solution will be the solution that fixes the problem, of course. It’s to get the ball rolling on possibilities, and show that you’re not just complaining to complain: you’re ready to take action.
It’s also a good opportunity to show the bride you value her input and tastes, if you can find a similar dress to the one she picked—but with more of what makes you comfortable, too.
Hunt around online or in bridal shops for a dress that meets those standards: close to the bride’s original pick, but something you look and feel great in.
Make sure it’s got enough time to arrive, as well.
If matching the other bridesmaids is a concern, get a dress that’s as close to theirs as possible. If your bride is going for a mismatched or same-shade lineup, just ensure your new choice doesn’t clash.
When you tell the bride you don’t like your bridesmaid dress, follow the steps above—then add, “Now, the good news: I did find this similar dress I really think we’ll both love.”
2. Ask if you can have the dress altered to fit the style you want.
Similarly, asking if you can make some tweaks to the existing bridesmaid dress gives the bride what she wanted—but eliminates the aspects you really hate.
Too much cleavage can be corrected, easily and quickly, with some matching mesh sewn over the front.
An unflattering button-up back can be changed to a ribbon corset closure, for more ease of movement and (literal) breathing room.
And of course, lengths can be altered, straps can be added or replaced—there are tons of options to fix what you don’t like about your bridesmaid dress, while keeping the elements the bride loved most.
First, though, you need to figure out what those elements are.
Ask if she’d mind the alterations you have planned, or if she has a preference on some of them (a high-low hemline instead of just cutting the dress to knee-length all around, for instance).
3. In the case of modesty concerns, ask if you can sport a sweater or shawl.
Maybe the dress is totally fine—just not your cup of tea.
If you never go bare shoulders, a strapless dress might leave you feeling exposed and uncomfortable. Or maybe the cleavage it shows is church-friendly, but still more than you prefer. A shawl or sweater is the perfect accessory to add, weather permitting (sorry, summer bridesmaids).
Like the earlier tip to come prepared with a solution, find some options for bridesmaid shawls and sweaters before you talk to the bride.
Opt for ones that match your dress, complement it, or pull from other colors in the wedding palette.
4. If it’s too close to the wedding, get some backup dresses just in case.
Hopefully, you’re able to bring up your bridesmaid dress concerns to the bride well ahead of the big day. But if it’s already crunch time, your options (and hers) are limited.
To save potential headaches for both of you, grab some similar-but-better dresses anywhere you can find them: department stores, bridal clearance racks, eBay—whatever your budget, and time, will allow.
Instead of sending your bride links to possibilities, send her photos of you in these possible options.
Admittedly, this is risky. It can make you seem pushy or presumptuous.
To avoid coming across that way, state it outright: “I’m not trying to be pushy; I just figured, with the date so close, it made sense to grab these while I could and show you myself. I’d hate for us to decide on one and it not arrive on time. Do you like any of these?”
5. Ask the other bridesmaids for help.
I know, I know. Earlier I said to not involve the other bridesmaids. You don’t want the bride feeling ganged up on, or as though you’re talking behind her back.
But your fellow bridesmaids might come in handy, here.
If you know you aren’t the only one hating her dress, or if you suspect it, ask the other girls what they think you should do.
It’s possible they’ve already found their own solutions, or had this conversation with the bride already and come to agreements on alternatives. Save yourself the headache of reinventing the wheel, and see if other bridesmaids have already found a way.
6. Same dress, different color.
This is the easiest solution, in some ways—but it won’t always work, for a number of reasons. Make sure you ask the bride first, as with any changes you want to make (outside of normal dress alterations) to find out if it’s a viable option.
If you don’t like the color of your bridesmaid dress, it’s very simple and easy to either get it dyed, or order it again in a different shade.
This is especially simple if it’s a see-through dress in a light color. Taking it down a few shades fixes that issue most of the time, while keeping the palette in line with what the bride wants.
The times when this solution won’t work, however, is if the bride envisioned all her bridesmaids in one color—or if she wanted only the maid of honor in her own color.
7. Ask if you can change dresses during the reception, at least.
If all else fails, grab a backup dress or two (preferably similar to the bridesmaid dress your bride picked) and snap a pic wearing it. Ask her how she’d feel if you were to change into it during the reception.
That way, the bride gets the dress she wanted you in for the ceremony and portraits, while you get to sport one you really like during the party portion of the evening.
Etiquette doesn’t really say if you have to ask permission to do this, by the way. Some say you’re off the clock once portraits are finished; others say you’re a bridesmaid—uniform and all—the entire night through.
My advice is to ask the bride.
Bottom line, it isn’t your wedding. You don’t know the exact timeline of the night. While bridal portraits are usually done between the ceremony and reception, more pics might be planned throughout the night you aren’t privy to yet.
Yes, technically your bare-bones minimum duties as a bridesmaid end after the ceremony…but your role as the bride’s friend doesn’t.
And while it’s tempting to beg forgiveness versus asking for permission, that’s not what good friends do.
Am I Being Unreasonable About My Bridesmaid Dress?
Before you lay the truth on the bride, make sure you’ve given the truth to yourself, first.
Do you truly hate your bridesmaid dress, or is there a chance you’re being unreasonable?
Yes, we all want to look our best at formal events. These photos will be immortalized on social media, blown up on canvas or behind glass in the bride’s home, and shared for years to come in albums. We want to like how we look in them.
But, at the same time, we don’t need to look 100% incredible. It’s not our wedding; we are not the focus of these photos, even if we worry we will be.
Ask yourself honestly if the dress is really that bad—or just not your favorite.
And you might have more options for makeup and hairstyles, which will make a big difference than checking your reflection on the back of your closet door. Give the dress a fair shake: do your hair, makeup, and wear your shoes or other accessories to see how it will really look on the big day.
It’s Okay to Dislike Your Bridesmaid Dress — And It’s Usually Okay to Tell the Bride So
In conclusion, you don’t have to suffer with an ugly bridesmaid dress. If there’s enough time for buying new ones or making alterations, work with your bride to see what you both like.
Aim for progress, not perfection. We all want to look and feel glamorous on the big day—but it isn’t your big day.
And that’s a great thing! It means attention will not be on you. At least, not for more than a second or two during the ceremony, a few photos, and your speech (if you’re even giving one).
Try to make the dress look and feel better, not perfect.
And when you tell the bride how you feel, sandwich your criticism with praise. Be honest, but not brutal.
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