While I’ve written before about the frustrations of bridesmaids ghosting you and leaving you on read, or the heartache when people don’t seem excited about your wedding—the sting is twice as severe when your maid of honor isn’t doing what she should.
After all, she’s not just a bridesmaid: she’s your wedding day go-to, and (usually) your best friend, sister, or someone else incredibly close to you.
At least, you thought she was. Now you’re doubting not just her abilities as your MOH, but how much she cares about your relationship.
Can a bride speak up when her maid of honor isn’t doing her job? Or should she forever hold her peace?
First, What Is A Maid of Honor Supposed to Be Doing? What’s Off-Limits?
Before I dive into the reasons your maid of honor isn’t doing anything she’s supposed to, let’s look at what she is (and isn’t) supposed to be doing.
Note that everyone has different ideas about what an MOH is supposed to do. Wedding industry experts and etiquette guides aren’t even in sync about this.
At the bare minimum, though, these are the universal must-have jobs of a maid of honor:
- Gets their dress on time.
- Shows up at the venue for the big day, on time and ready to go.
- Stands beside you during the ceremony.
Yep: that’s it. The bare bones.
The same is true of your bridesmaids. There’s more to the role in most American weddings, though—such as:
- Holding the groom’s ring (usually on her thumb) during the ceremony, unless there’s a ring bearer. She also holds the bride’s bouquet, if she has one, during the vows and ring exchange. She then hands it back before the exit processional.
- Spearheading event planning like the bridal shower and bachelorette party, which the bridesmaids help with.
- Going with the bride to some key wedding planning events, such as dress shopping.
And of course, there are things some MOHs do and some don’t, depending on the wedding and your relationship:
- Helping with wedding tasks like DIY crafts or invitation stuffing.
- Advising the bride on tough decisions.
- Giving a speech and toast during the reception.
- Helping the bride get ready the morning of, talking her down through moments of stress, and intercepting potential drama from vendors and meddling family members.
Again, those last items are optional. You and your maid of honor should discuss expectations ahead of time, when she accepts the position. But more on that later.
What Brides Should Never Ask the MOH to Do
There are lots of things you can and can’t ask of your maid of honor, and they’re not always clear. For the most part, it comes down to “Don’t ask your maid of honor to do anything you wouldn’t ask of her as a friend, during non-wedding times.”
Before you confront your MIA MOH about slacking off on her responsibilities, make sure you aren’t guilty of these:
- Don’t ask your maid of honor change her appearance in non-temporary ways, or ways that make her uncomfortable.
- Don’t ask your maid of honor to expose more skin than she’s used to, or wear more (or less) makeup than she normally would.
- Avoid requesting any changes she can’t undo at the end of the night. This includes hair color or length, her weight, or even things like teeth whitening. Those are her decisions. You can, however, politely request that she cover excessive or distracting tattoos and piercings.
- Don’t ask your maid of honor to be a personal assistant or free labor. This goes for all your bridesmaids. These girls are not your unpaid wedding day interns. Even if your MOH is eager to become your day-of coordinator, don’t let her split focus. It’s a recipe for stress and disaster.
- Don’t expect your maid of honor to focus on your wedding 24-7. She has her own life, too.
- Never ask her to wrangle or control the other bridesmaids. A maid of honor isn’t the bridesmaid manager. She’s not in charge of them; these are grown women, after all! Don’t ask her to pass along news you should be delivering yourself, or confront bridesmaids on tough issues.
To sum up: there are lots of things you can and can’t ask of your maid of honor, and they’re not always clear. For the most part, it comes down to “Don’t ask your maid of honor to do anything you wouldn’t ask of her as a friend, during non-wedding times.”
11 Reasons Your MOH Is Dropping the Ball With Her Wedding Duties
1. You’re asking too much from her.
Ideally, you and your maid of honor discussed her expected role when she accepted the position. But more likely, you didn’t—because, as best friends or family, you two naturally assumed you’d be on the same page.
If she’s not doing what she’s supposed to be doing, there’s a chance you’re asking more than she thought you would. She might be overwhelmed.
Maybe she thought she’d get the dress and stand up at the altar, but had no idea you also expected her to spearhead the shower planning and bachelorette.
Or maybe she’s doing everything she is supposed to, plus a little extra—but you’re guilty of treating her like a personal assistant.
Remember, it isn’t her job to control the other bridesmaids. Nor is it her responsibility to research venues for you, schedule cake tastings, or a myriad of other wedding tasks you should be doing (or paying professionals to do).
2. She’s broke.
More often than not, this is the reason a matron or maid of honor isn’t pulling her weight.
It’s not that she doesn’t want to, but just that she can’t.
This goes for frugal weddings, where her only expense is a modestly priced dress and shoes, as well as lavish events involving expensive bachelorette weekend getaways.
No matter the budget, she just can’t swing it—and she’s either ashamed to tell you, or trying to figure something out behind the scenes.
3. She’s stressed or anxious about her role.
Your maid of honor probably isn’t lazy, nor is it likely she simply doesn’t care about your wedding. In fact, it might be on her mind 24-7, but not in a fun way.
If she’s chronically stressed about her role as MOH, either because she doesn’t want to let you down, money’s tight, or you’ve asked a lot of her (or she’s asked a lot of herself)—eventually, her body might go into Flight Mode.
As in, she’s fleeing from her responsibilities and commitments, or her brain simply refuses to tackle her to-do list. And, out of shame, she’s not being truthful this is happening to her.
4. She doesn’t even know she’s letting you down.
Perhaps your matron or maid of honor doesn’t even know she’s not doing what she’s supposed to.
This could be due to a lack of communication between you two about what you expected from her as MOH.
Alternatively, it might be an illusion. Maybe she’s doing far more than you’re privy to, like planning an incredible bridal shower—but keeping everything low-profile to surprise you. I’ll cover this possibility more in-depth in the next section.
And finally, it might be on you. Maybe you’ve been a bride-chilla lately—going with the flow on every single decision because you’re focused on the bigger picture, overwhelmed and frozen, or don’t want to upset anyone.
If so, your maid of honor isn’t getting clear signals about what you expect from her.
Maybe your words say one thing, but your behavior says otherwise.
For example: you tell your maid of honor you want a bachelorette weekend in a cute mountain cabin. But you then proceed for months to say “I don’t care” to every other decision that crosses your path during wedding planning.
In this scenario, it’s possible your MOH thinks the “cute mountain cabin” idea was just a pitch, not a true preference.
Make sure you’re clear in your wording, and emphasize the preferences you do have.
Example: “The activities and food for the bachelorette party are totally up to you! I know you’ll pick something amazing. The main input I have is that I’d really love a cute cabin in the mountains for a weekend, if everyone can afford that.”
5. You don’t actually see what she’s doing behind the scenes.
As I mentioned earlier, there’s a lot your maid of honor might be doing that you aren’t allowed to know yet.
Many bachelorette parties, for instance, get heavy input from the bride. But the final details are kept secret until the event occurs. Some are kept secret altogether!
There are also several bridesmaid and maid of honor tasks your girls will keep under wraps so as not to stress you out.
As an MOH or bridesmaid, I’ve tackled behind-the-scenes drama and put out tiny fires probably close to a hundred times without telling the bride. At least, not until after her wedding.
I’ve fixed wedding cakes that slid or melted a little during transport.
I’ve pinned and sewn more torn dresses and fraying hemlines than I can count.
When a relative of the bride got too drunk at the reception, I’ve tracked down strong coffee and a private room where they could sober up (only twice, thankfully).
None of this was to pat myself on the back, of course. It was to help the bride.
And keeping it all secret? That was to keep her as calm as possible.
Your MOH just might be performing incredible feats out of sight. If she’s prone to surprising you, or the type to just Get Things Done, maybe this is the real reason it seems like she isn’t doing anything.
6. She’s got drama (either legit or self-created) in her own life.
No wedding comes drama-free, and that’s because no one’s life comes drama-free.
Even the most laidback person encounters drama. Colleagues at work, between family members, in the dating pool…there’s no shortage of stressors out there.
And, of course, there are personality types who seem to thrive on drama—even going so far as to create it themselves, either on purpose or completely unaware they’re the problem.
If your maid of honor isn’t doing what she’s supposed to because she has legit drama going on—serious issues and stress she can’t control—it’s easier to be understanding.
On the other hand, if she’s creating it herself (complaining about her boyfriend being a lazy mooch, for example, when she keeps letting him do it)…sympathy is much harder to come by.
7. It’s the other bridesmaids who are slacking; your maid of honor is doing plenty.
Another possible reason your maid of honor appears to be shirking her responsibilities: it’s not her. It’s the rest of your bridal crew.
For all you know, their bride-free group chat is filled with the MOH desperately trying to get your girls to lock down a date for the bachelorette party. She might be endlessly reminding them to order their dresses on time (though again, that’s your job), and they just leave her on read.
Odds are, she’ll tell you if this is happening—but she might be hiding it so as not to stress you out.
8. She’s trying to do too much, leading to paralysis on everything.
Procrastination is, quite often, another word for “perfectionism.”
It sounds counterintuitive, but there’s real science behind it. People who aim for 110%, always looking to go above and beyond, often procrastinate doing anything at all.
They might be afraid to fail, waiting for an elusive “perfect moment” to get started. Or they’re overwhelmed by the mountain of tasks they’ve put on their own plate.
If your maid of honor is doing anything she’s supposed to, it might be because she’s trying to do everything.
9. Her personality doesn’t fit your perception of the MOH role.
There’s no “best personality” to be a maid of honor. But some personality traits do make the job easier than others—depending on what your expectations are.
If your MOH is charged with spearheading the plans for every pre-wedding event, from the engagement party to bachelorette to bridal shower, it helps if she’s the party-planning type in the first place.
But if checklists and details give her hives, not inspiration? She’s going to flounder.
Hopefully, you knew her personality type inside and out before you asked her to fill the MOH role, and adjusted your expectations accordingly.
If not—or if she insisted on doing things despite her natural personality—then it’s possible she’s not slacking, but rather out of her element.
10. You two have different ideas of what, exactly, maids of honor do.
Again, no one can definitively say what a maid of honor is and isn’t supposed to do.
The general consensus is that, at a minimum: she buys her dress, stands beside you at the ceremony, holds your bouquet, and sometimes holds your vows or rings.
Beyond that, things start getting fuzzy.
Even if you know you aren’t asking too much of her, she might seem like she’s slacking because she truly doesn’t believe she is.
While you might be in the camp that believes an MOH helps with all things wedding-related, she might be in the one that believes the bare minimum is the whole enchilada.
11. She’s pregnant.
Realistically, this could go under another one of the reasons above: it relates to finances, having her own life going on, and much more.
But it’s a common enough reason for a maid of honor to drop the ball (understandably so) that I think it warrants its own section.
Like getting married, having a child is a huge life milestone. It kind of consumes you at times, and requires lots of planning to get ready.
Whether your maid of honor has broken the news to you yet or not, this could be the reason she’s not 100% focused on her role: she’s got another role in the works, as a mom-to-be.
What to Say and Do When Your Maid of Honor Won’t Help You
First, you have to find out why your maid of honor isn’t doing anything she’s agreed to.
An in-person conversation, if possible, is the best and simplest way to find out.
Don’t start with accusations, though. You don’t yet know if she’s even aware she’s letting you down, or if her reason is more than understandable.
Plus, accusatory tones don’t lend themselves to open and honest discussion. Your maid of honor will get busy defending herself, rather than actually talking to you about what’s going on.
A good way to start the conversation:
“I wanted to touch base and see if anything’s going on with you that I can help with. I’ll be honest, X and Y not getting done—at least, from what I can tell—is worrying me. But I don’t want to assume anything.”
Then, let her speak her part. If she’s truly your friend, she’ll open up (even if it takes some prodding) and tell you what’s going on that’s interfering with her role as MOH.
You two can then brainstorm solutions, depending on what her reason is for not getting things done.
If she’s overwhelmed, for instance, maybe it’s time to delegate some jobs to professionals or other members of the wedding party.
If she wasn’t aware you expected certain things from her, find a middle ground between what you want and what she thought her role would entail.
And if she doesn’t—or if she makes a bunch of empty promises, and the behavior continues—you might decide to fire her as your MOH. Be forewarned, though: this will almost always end your friendship.
Conclusion
Your maid of honor might not know she’s not pulling her weight. Or she’s not doing what she’s supposed to because of drama in her life, legitimate stress, or other important elements. A tight budget, for instance, or even pregnancy.
Whatever the reason, you have to talk to her and find out why. Until you know that, you can’t address the problem effectively.
From what I’ve seen, pregnancy, money concerns, drama, and the bride asking too much are all fairly common reasons the maid of honor seems like she’s slacking off.
But the biggest reason? Lack of clear communication.
This applies to multiple people: the bride not communicating her concerns clearly to the MOH. The MOH not communicating with the bridesmaids. Or the maid of honor not being upfront with the bride when she drops the ball, so that problems compound.
As the bride, the best thing you can do is open that line of communication. Encourage your maid of honor to be honest about why she isn’t accomplishing what she’s supposed to.
But of course, it’s up to her to answer truthfully—and, whatever solution you come up with together, to actually implement it going forward.
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