I got engaged when I was 21, and my fiancé was still 20.
Most of our family and friends were thrilled. Some…not so much.
It had nothing to do with us personally, because they thought we were a great match. They just believed, fiercely and fully, that we weren’t old enough to get married.
Others, on the other hand, tried to rush us into marriage even faster: shortly after we got engaged, we discovered I was pregnant.
In other words, everyone had an opinion on whether or not we were too young to get married.
And they weren’t shy about saying so, either.
How Young is Too Young to Get Married?
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While most would agree anything under 18 is too young to get married—even though it’s still legal in plenty of places, usually with parental consent—there’s also a big stigma against couples aged 18-24 tying the knot.
Everyone and their mother (and probably your mother, too) is going to have something to say about this union.
While some concerns will be valid, most will be nothing but regurgitated misinformation.
So brace yourself for the insults and arguments, because they start the second you post that engagement photo.
Luckily, there’s the perfect response to anything those naysayers, no matter how well-intentioned, can dish out. Read on for the best “you’re too young to get married” clapbacks.
How to Respond When People Say You’re Too Young to Get Married
“You don’t even know what you want yet! You’re going to change your mind about your partner and regret this.”
Clapback: “If I’m so incapable of knowing what I want, why am I allowed to vote for our leaders? Why am I allowed to fight for our country? You may feel insecure about who you are and what you want in life. But we don’t.”
It’s true that, as a young couple, you might not have every piece of your future mapped out. But let’s be honest: who does?
If you and your spouse agree on the big stuff like kids, division of household expenses and labor, spiritual or political views (if those things are important to either of you at all, that is) – then you’ll be able to navigate the rest.
“Marriage is impossible for young couples.”
Clapback: “Marriage is harder for some couples because they’re young, but not impossible. We know the challenges we’ll face, and we’ll come out stronger because of them. We’re determined to grow together, not apart.”
Marriage is hard. Period.
It doesn’t matter how old or young you are: it still takes work. Sure, you’ll have some problems older couples might not face—like lower income in general, college and studies to finish, etc.—but many are problems any eighteen- to twenty-four-year-olds face.
The difference is, you’ll be facing them together. And that can be trying at times…but it can also be amazing. No matter what you’re going through, your spouse will be right there beside you.
“You can’t even afford a real wedding!”
Clapback: “Any wedding we have will be ‘real,’ so please stop insulting our ceremony just because it isn’t something you would do. There’s no law that says you have to get married in a church or spends thousands of dollars. We’re more interested in investing in our future, anyway – not one day.”
We got married in a barn and field, which was romantic, visually stunning—and pretty inexpensive.
Your budget probably isn’t very big, but that doesn’t mean your wedding will be anything less than amazing. Even a courthouse quickie or elopement can be beautiful.
And no matter what, your wedding will still be special…because it’s yours. All that matters is that you’re marrying the person you love.
Alternative: “You’re right, Aunt Linda: a ‘real’ wedding according to the industry is somewhere around thirty grand. We think saving for a house is a much better use of our money. Don’t you?”
“You won’t be able to drink at your own bachelor/bachelorette parties.”
Clapback: “Oh, yes: getting drunk is so much more important to me than marrying the one I love. You know, it’s funny – everyone keeps talking about how we aren’t mature enough to get married. But they’re the only ones lamenting the fact we’re too young to party and get wasted, when we couldn’t care less.”
I hate this one. It’s such an impossibly weak argument. I was 21 when we got engaged, so I was lucky enough to dodge it, but still: why are the same people calling you “immature” harping on something so trivial as the fact you can’t get plastered at your bachelorette bash?
“Your brain isn’t even finished developing until you’re 25.“
Clapback: “Yes, I’m aware of that. Do you know which specific part of the brain that is, by chance?”
[When they don’t, hit ‘em with this gem:] “The prefrontal cortex. This controls impulse control, long-term planning, and risk assessment. I’m aware of this fact, so I can assure you I’ve thought my decision through very carefully, with that information in mind.”
I love this comeback so much. Knowledge is power, and you just shocked them with about 2,000 volts of “I know my science.”
Let’s not forget that “not finished” doesn’t mean “not there at all.” The brain’s development is a percentage, not an absolute – while under-25s might not have their full rational thinking abilities yet, they do have most of them. And the closer you are to 25, the higher that percentage is.
Another crucial point to remember: no two people are the same. If you’re a responsible and rational person, don’t let others label you a statistic. Especially one they’ve just heard spouted on television or the radio, but haven’t researched themselves.
“Your fiancé is young – he’s still got wild oats to sow.”
Clapback: “The idea that young men have some biological need to accumulate female partners like collectible coins is antiquated, sexist – against both women and men – and flimsy as hell. My partner isn’t interested in sleeping around. Please don’t act like you know how he thinks.”
This is the worst one, hands down. Can’t stand it.
Are there people out there who enjoy casual sex, multiple partners, and flinging wild oats into fields like a ticker tape parade? Yes – and they aren’t just male. And, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone, who cares?
Only you and your spouse-to-be know your sexual preferences, histories, and lifestyles. And that’s how it should be. It’s no one else’s business – so make sure to tell them so.
When the Criticism Still Won’t Stop
If these comebacks don’t work when confronting family members or friends (or even strangers) who criticize your choice, it’s time to clean house.
This is easier said than done, and of course I’m not advocating for cutting people you love out of your life over a difference of opinion.
Just distance yourself, at least in some ways.
Stop talking to those people about the wedding, even if they ask.
Limit how much time you spend with them, if possible. If you have to be around them, make it known you refuse to discuss your engagement, wedding, and relationship with them anymore.
When should “limiting contact” become “cut off entirely?”
If and when a naysayer becomes toxic to your life, mental health, and/or relationship.
Friends and family don’t have to support, understand, or like any decision you make.
But they do have to respect that it’s yours.
If Cutting Them Out Isn’t an Option—Talk It Out
If it’s someone close to you and you’re deeply hurt by their lack of support, tell them so.
Chances are, they were so caught up in their own opinion and trying to “help,” they couldn’t see that they were hurting you.
When I got engaged, my mother sobbed like I’d announced I wanted to move to the Arctic and live off snow.
She loved my fiancé and already treated him like a son; she just didn’t want me to get married yet. Initially, she said it was because I was so young, and she knew (from her own marriage at age 20) how difficult it could be.
When I sat her down one day to talk through her feelings and get to the root of why she wasn’t supporting us, I received a very surprising answer:
“I’m not ready to lose you.”
My mom’s unhappiness about our engagement had nothing to do with our young ages, even though she kept harping on that fact for weeks.
It had nothing to do with the fact I still had school to finish, or that my fiancé was between jobs.
She just still hadn’t come to terms with me “growing up,” leaving the nest, and starting a family of my own.
Once I knew this, it was much easier to deal with her criticism. It was also easier for her to keep her mouth shut more often.
When she did slip up, I’d remind her that I was an adult—but that I valued her opinion and would always appreciate it. I would always need her, just in different ways than before.
And if I got angry at her opinions when they did slip out, she’d remind me that my engagement was just emotional for her—but she was working on it.
Do You Think You’re Too Young?
In the end, that’s the only thing that matters, here. Do you think you’re too young to get married?
Actually—let me rephrase: would you prefer to be older when you get married?
There is a difference, and it’s an important one. To me, the broad brush of “too young” implies immaturity and irrationality. It implies that you and your fiancé are still children, incapable of making this decision.
I don’t believe that’s the case, or you wouldn’t be reading this.
People who rush into marriage – of any age – don’t research problems they might run into. They don’t hunt down blog posts about dealing with negativity and a lack of support.
You are doing those things, right now. So you’re taking it seriously. You are not “too young.”
That said, you might come to the conclusion (on your own, or together with your partner) that you aren’t ready to get married, after all.
There’s nothing wrong with holding off on marriage to pursue other goals, together and apart, first.
Maybe you want a house before marriage, or to finish school. You might want to travel with your partner, without the burden of saving for a big ceremony.
Perhaps your budget is just too small for the wedding you both want, and you’d rather wait a few years and save.
Or, maybe, you realize you want a long engagement so you can live with your partner first, and get to know each other better.
All of these reasons are perfectly valid.
But the important part is that you draw these conclusions on your own, without negative influences from outside your relationship.
Advice from people you love and trust is one thing, and worth taking into account—but don’t let anyone bully you into calling off or postponing your wedding.
It’s Tough—But So Is Anything Worth Doing
I’ll let you in on a [not really] secret.
I sometimes wish we’d been older when we got married.
In my original “Life Plan,” I thought I’d get my career going at age 22, buy a house at 24, get married at 26, and then have my first baby at 28.
My timeline seemed perfect, at least to me.
Then my fiancé proposed when I was 21, and I couldn’t imagine saying no. We agreed to a long engagement, so the slight panic I felt dissipated. My timeline can still work, I thought.
Then, five weeks after our engagement, I found out I was pregnant.
I won’t go into detail (at least, not in this post), but yes: getting married so young was difficult.
So was being a parent, or living with my fiancé for the first time ever after our kid was born. So was finishing college and planning a wedding while pregnant.
In truth, we struggled for many years. It would have been far easier if we’d avoided the accidental pregnancy and gotten married later, when both our careers were established, we owned a house, etc.
All that said, I don’t regret this path one bit.
My husband and I have grown together. Literally. We’ve known each other as young adults and new parents. We’ve supported each other through job losses and career setbacks—but also career milestones and huge life events.
We learned, many years before our peers, what it means to be truly committed to someone.
We’ve become partners, in the truest sense of the word. We don’t make choices based on individual wants or needs anymore; instead, we make them based on what’s best for our marriage and, by extension, our family.
When we were dating, or even engaged, we didn’t really “get it” yet.
We were lucky, in a way: we got to learn the selflessness and dedication it takes to make marriage work, much younger than most people. We got to make our mistakes when it was still pretty “safe” to make them.
Marriage is so much more than a piece of paper.
And age is so much more complicated than a number.
Were you married young, or currently engaged and under 25? Let me know in the comments how you handled (or will handle) criticism. Was your decision to get married difficult?
