Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for our bridesmaids to leave us on read in the group chat now and then.
Sometimes, this is just a personality difference. Maybe a bridesmaid who never answers you isn’t the type to answer anyone; she’s just not connected to her phone that much. (This is still an issue, of course, because there is such a thing as texting etiquette—but we’ll get to that later.)
Your bridesmaids might be really busy, and just haven’t had a moment to really read your messages and respond thoughtfully.
Then, of course, there are other reasons—ranging from a bridesmaid secretly wanting to drop out, to disagreements on how you’re planning your wedding.
How can you find out why your bridesmaids are ghosting you?
And, more importantly—what can you do about it?
How to Talk to Your Bridesmaids: Text vs. In Person
Before you confront your MIA bridesmaid, it’s important to decide when, where, and how to best approach the situation.
The “how” is crucial. I’m a fan of face-to-face discussions whenever possible, since texting leaves too much up to interpretation.
However, you know your girl best. Is she the type to open up behind a screen more than in-person meetings?
Maybe face-to-face convos aren’t possible right now, because you live far apart or have busy schedules.
Whichever you choose, consider the correct “when”—a time when you both are free to talk and really express yourselves.
And, if you do opt for an in-person discussion, pick a neutral but comfortable location for you both. A quiet lunch somewhere, walking in a park, or grabbing some coffee can all help the conversation feel more natural, with as few interruptions as possible.
Should You Confront Your Bridesmaids As A Group, or One-on-One?
If more than one of your bridesmaids has been slacking on communication (or if your bridesmaids haven’t been doing anything), you might be tempted to blast a group text unleashing all your feelings at once.
Avoid this at all costs.
Even if your message applies to multiple girls word-for-word, it doesn’t leave much room for true dialogue to happen.
For one thing, just because multiple bridesmaids are behaving the same way, doesn’t mean they all have the same reasons.
There’s no way you can craft a single message, however thoughtful, that encompasses every possible reason they all might have for ghosting you.
Additionally, you’re not allowing them the freedom of a one-on-one approach to really say what they think, especially if they’re more soft-spoken than other bridesmaids.
Worst of all—they’ll feel like they’re being called out in front of everyone, and that’s never a good feeling. Tempting as that may be, don’t do it if your true goal is to resolve the issue.
Likewise, don’t vent to other bridesmaids about problematic ones. You don’t want to create an “us versus them” or “me versus everyone” mentality, for your bridesmaids or for yourself.
A bridal party needs some semblance of unity. They don’t all need to be BFFs (they don’t even need to like each other). But they do need to feel like a team, and venting to the others will only widen that fracture.
Or, worse: it’ll get back to the bridesmaid you’re venting about, and that creates so much more drama than it’s worth.
8 Tips for Confronting Your Bridesmaids When They Leave You On Read
1. Stay calm — don’t throw a fit or let your emotions overwhelm you.
This doesn’t mean you have to be a bride-chilla about everything. (And in fact, you should avoid being a too-chill bride altogether!)
You deserve to express yourself honestly and openly, especially with your bridesmaids. It’s likely these girls are the closest friends or family in your life, or else they wouldn’t be standing beside you on the big day. You should be able to trust them enough to share how you feel.
That doesn’t mean you can unleash the bridal beast, though.
Get into the right headspace before you talk to your bridesmaids (again, preferably one-on-one).
Vent to someone outside the bridal party who you know won’t share what you tell them, like your fiancé, or an unconnected friend who lives far away, or a therapist.
Get those dark, ugly feelings of betrayal or outrage out of the way, so you can distill your emotions down to the ones that really matter: concern that your girls don’t care about your wedding, or feeling hurt people aren’t prioritizing what you have to say.
It’s okay to show emotion during the conversation—that’s part of the point, to get your side heard. Just make sure you’re showing the real emotions, not the surface ones.
As for throwing a fit, that goes without saying: people don’t respond well to someone displaying princess syndrome.
While your wedding is important, remember your bridesmaids have lives of their own, too, and feelings that matter—don’t shout them down when they try to defend themselves, or put words in their mouth when you can’t really know their motives and feelings.
2. Don’t assume malice.
Related to the first tip: don’t just assume your bridesmaids are ghosting you to be mean or petty, or because they’re trying to hurt you.
While it’s true weddings can bring out certain dark sides of people—jealousy, selfishness, unreliability—very rarely are your bridesmaids going to turn out to be completely different people than you thought.
These are your friends or family: they care about you. They’re not doing this to hurt you. Most likely, there’s another reason behind it.
And, if it comes to light your bridesmaid is doing it to hurt you, that’s a different problem altogether: you not only don’t need her as a bridesmaid, you don’t need her as a friend.
But again, that’s incredibly rare.
Some common reasons bridesmaids start ghosting brides:
- They’re overwhelmed by wedding details, or “texted out.”
- Weddings don’t really excite them, no matter whose it is.
- They’re not big texters by nature, or enjoy being less connected.
- The cost of being a bridesmaid is becoming stressful or burdensome.
- You two aren’t actually that close (maybe she knows your fiancé better); it still feels weird to text you so much.
- She’s having trouble balancing your wedding with her other commitments.
99.99% of the time, your bridesmaid is ghosting you for some reason that has nothing to do with hurting you—and it’s not fair for you to approach the situation assuming that’s her goal.
Remind yourself she loves you, and you love her. Or, if it’s a relative of your fiancé rather than your own family member, remind yourself she loves your fiancé—it’s very unlikely she’d intentionally hurt you, knowing you make your fiancé happy.
3. Don’t air out dirty laundry from the past.
Honestly, this is true of any confrontation, not just with bridesmaids who don’t text back: keep the past in the past.
It’s really hard to do. We’re humans, and humans look for—and point out—patterns that we notice.
So you might think you’re building a stronger case by reminding your bridesmaid, “You did this same thing 7 years ago, in Amanda’s wedding.” Or that she “always ghosts the group chat” when she’s got a new boyfriend.
But instead of highlighting a pattern of problematic behavior, you’re deviating from the main issue at hand. It also makes you sound as though you’ve been keeping score all these years.
This can make the bridesmaid feel attacked, or judged harshly for her past self (rather than judged fairly for her current actions).
It also dilutes your overall message, cluttering it up with details that—in the grand scheme of things—really don’t matter, or warrant a separate conversation post-wedding.
4. Keep it concise.
Airing dirty laundry and past grievances you’ve had with your bridesmaid clutters up the convo, but so does listing every little thing you’re upset about.
Sure, maybe that bridesmaid has ghosted you ten times in the last month. But do you really need to list each and every one?
Stick to your main feelings on the ghosting. Just because you feel angry, upset, betrayed, and stressed doesn’t mean you have to use all those words at once. They rob each other of their power.
And chances are good you feel a few things more strongly than others, anyway.
Keep your part of the confrontation concise and clear: state what she’s doing overall (ghosting), not each and every instance. And state the main emotion or two that her behavior is causing you to feel—but not the entire spectrum.
Be careful not to use hyperbolic statements, either. “You always do X” is simply too extreme—even if it’s kind of accurate—and accusatory.
Your bridesmaid will become so focused on defending herself and proving that statement wrong, there won’t be any room for the real heart of the conversation.
5. Use “This makes me feel…” statements.
Most people know we should avoid using “You always do this” or “You never do that” kind of statements, or projections like “You don’t care about me.”
But a lesser-known tip is this: when you start sentences with “you,” the other person is immediately prepared to go on the defensive.
You’re telling them what they do, how they think, and how they feel—not asking them. And you aren’t really expressing your feelings when you phrase things that way, either.
“I feel” is a great statement, but can cause many of the same problems. When you say “I feel you don’t care about me,” your bridesmaid will have to jump to assure you she does, or defend her actions, instead of diving right into a simple, clearcut explanation.
Instead, try “[This behavior] makes me feel…” statements. But don’t stop there.
Instead of ending the sentence with an emotion, expand on it.
For example, “upset” is too vague. Meanwhile, “like you don’t care” leads to defensiveness. But “makes me feel unheard” is very clear, and doesn’t project your emotions onto their intentions.
Some other options:
“Leaving me on read or not returning my calls makes me feel…
- “…like my wedding is a burden to you, instead of something fun.”
- “…like my opinions are being judged.”
- “…like you aren’t excited for some of the wedding plans.”
- “…as though we’re losing touch.”
6. Look in the mirror and think about how you’ve contributed to this situation, too.
This is a tough pill to swallow, I’ll admit—but you might have to take a long look at yourself in this situation, and ask if you’re part of the problem.
If bridesmaids keep ghosting you or leaving you on read, ask yourself if you’re doing any of these bridal faux pas:
- Texting wedding details day and night.
- Never asking them about what’s going on in their life.
- All you can talk about is your wedding, and nothing else.
- You didn’t talk to them much before you got engaged.
- You’ve ignored their input completely when it comes to dresses or other wedding plans.
- You ghosted her during her wedding.
Of course, even if you are guilty of these, that doesn’t absolve the bridesmaid of her responsibility. You’re both adults; she should be able to reach out and honestly tell you what’s bothering her.
But cut her some slack. It’s not easy to tell a bride she’s too wrapped up in her wedding lately, or that we feel our opinions are being ignored (it’s not our wedding, after all).
If you do think you’re guilty of one of the above, ask her—or if you know it for sure, apologize.
Then try to make it up to her. And definitely try to stop the behavior, rather than blindly repeating it until your wedding day.
Communication between you two should pick up after this. But if the bridesmaid still leaves you on read more often than not, at least you’ll know you owned—and apologized for—your part in things.
7. Ask what’s going on in her life, too.
Even if you’ve been good about checking in with your bridesmaids all along, a ghosting or MIA bridesmaid might be going through an especially tough time right now.
It could be wedding-related: maybe she’s low on funds, or sad she doesn’t have a date, or just feeling left behind on her own life milestones.
It could have nothing to do with your wedding, too. Stress at work, relationship issues—while the wedding is undoubtedly your main focus right now, it isn’t hers. She’s got a whole life still happening. And life brings some problems, now and then.
During your confrontation, make sure you ask if she’s going through anything she’d like to talk about with you.
It’s very possible her ghosting wasn’t intentional; she’s just spread thin right now, time- or emotion-wise, and needs you to be with her not as a bride to bridesmaid, but as friends.
8. Don’t give her an ultimatum…but maybe offer her an out.
It’s easy to get so worked up about our bridesmaids ghosting us that we throw the nuclear option at them: either step up, or step down.
But even hinting that you might fire a bridesmaid can create a self-fulfilling prophecy—and end your friendship for good.
Instead of giving an underperforming bridesmaid an ultimatum, feel her out. Ask if she’s feeling overwhelmed by anything you’ve asked of her, and see if you can delegate things to other bridesmaids, find lower costs, or explore other ways to lighten the load.
If she keeps being dodgy, constantly mentions money concerns, or keeps leaving you on read even after the conversation—you might want to tell her, “I might be wrong here, and please tell me if I am. But do you really want to be a bridesmaid?”
Keep in mind, this is a loaded question. Many people feel obligated to say yes, of course they do.
Others might worry that you don’t want them as a bridesmaid anymore, simply because you asked.
So feel your bridesmaid out, first. If you keep getting the feeling she wants out, it’s fair to ask.
And if she does want to step down, you can preserve your friendship by redefining her wedding role. If attending as a guest is all she wants or can handle, reassure her you’ll just be happy she’s there.
If she’d still like to be involved, but not a bridesmaid, ask if there’s a poem she’d like to read, or a speech she’d like to give.
Yes, Confront a Bridesmaid Who’s Ghosting You – But Do It the Right Way
One-on-one conversation, in-person if possible, with one bridesmaid at a time is best. Try not to assume malice; your bridesmaid has her reasons for not answering you. They might be lame reasons, but rarely will they be mean.
Give her space to speak her part. Own up to any mistakes you’ve made, too.
No bride wants to have that awkward, tense conversation with a bridesmaid that leaves her on read and ignores her messages.
Not only is it uncomfortable, but it also seems pointless: if they won’t answer us about dress shopping or bridal shower plans, why would they answer about not answering?
Still, it’s worth the effort. This girl is in your wedding—and your life—for a reason. And unless you’re ready to end the friendship by booting her out, confrontation is the only way to fix things.
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