Bridesmaids not getting along, or even downright despising each other, is an entirely unique level of stress for brides.
On top of budget concerns, venue and caterer research, and the other 10 million tasks at hand, you start to feel like a babysitter to grown women.
And not just any women, but the ones you chose to be there for you, during the biggest day of your life. Their inability to put their squabbles and drama aside starts wearing you down, or making you resentful.
Common Reasons Bridesmaids Don’t Get Along
For the most part, bridesmaids argue or dislike each other for the same reasons any people butt heads:
- Dramatic differences in personalities. Sometimes, you just can’t mesh with another person. Your introverted, homebody bridesmaid isn’t going to relate well to the extroverted, party-girl bridesmaid.
- Too similar personalities. Conversely, bridesmaids can dislike each other for the very traits they themselves have! It’s like two magnets repelling each other.
- Money arguments. While there are many factors involved with being a bridesmaid, money stress and fights are the most common. One bridesmaid not paying her share, another resenting the fact the MOH chose expensive bachelorette ideas, etc.
- General drama. Finally, bridesmaids can argue or not get along simply because of past problems: someone dating another girl’s ex, one bridesmaid talking behind another’s back…the drama can be legit or petty, but it’ll fester just the same.
Depending on why your bridesmaids don’t get along, there may not be much you can do to help. But there are some tips and tricks worth trying, if only for your own sanity.
9 Solutions When Your Bridesmaids Dislike Each Other
1. Ignore your bridesmaids’ bad behavior and infighting.
First and foremost, remember that we can’t control other people.
Your bridesmaids hating each other or fighting amongst themselves feels like your business, but it isn’t—until and unless it impacts their abilities to fulfill their bridesmaid duties.
How do you ignore bridesmaids not getting along? It starts with setting clear boundaries. Ideally, these boundaries are built around your own behaviors, not theirs.
Example: don’t tell your girls, “Don’t talk to me about your problems with each other.” This gives them the opportunity to violate your boundary, and removes your control.
Instead, try: “I don’t want to participate in the bridesmaid drama. When you bring it up, I’m going to ignore the texts messages until you talk about something else.”
This solution isn’t for every bride, obviously. You can’t ignore every snide remark or tense bridesmaid brunch.
And truth be told, ignoring this problem won’t do anything to fix it. But it won’t make things worse, either.
Most importantly, it will give you some peace. And when you’re planning a wedding, you need all the peace you can get.
2. Don’t take sides (unless you absolutely must).
Unfortunately, a lot of bridesmaid drama comes down to “she said, she said” stories and accounts. As a result, you won’t be able to know the full truth—just the POV of whoever gets to you first.
It’s not fair to take sides when you aren’t involved in the issue directly. And doing so can pit bridesmaids against each other even more.
Worse, it can erode your friendships with some bridesmaids.
If you have to get involved, however, make it clear you’re not taking sides. Play devil’s advocate whenever possible, trying to make your girls see each other’s perspective. Or see number 1—ignore the problems and remove yourself from the situation.
There are circumstances, however, that necessitate a bride stepping in, and sometimes siding with one bridesmaid over another.
I was once in a wedding where a bridesmaid refused to pay into the bridal shower fund. She kept claiming she was broke, but her social media said otherwise: expensive dinners, trips, and new purses were the norm.
To no avail, the rest of us tried to coax her into paying her share, like she’d agreed to do. We were prepared to eat the cost, however. The bride only got involved when the stingy bridesmaid complained about us to her, saying we were bugging her when we “knew she was broke.”
In that scenario, the bride did take a side: ours. It was clear-cut and simple as to who was in the wrong. Not only should the stingy bridesmaid have paid what she promised—she shouldn’t have involved the bride, who had enough on her plate already.
When the truth is obvious and one girl is in the wrong, you might decide to take a side after all. But when there’s any doubt at all, it’s best to straddle the line.
3. Involve only a few bridesmaids at a time in wedding activities.
You can’t solve your bridesmaids’ problems or make them like each other. But you can set things up so they spend as little time together as possible.
Invite your bridesmaids to separate wedding-related activities, whenever you can. Not all of them have to shop for their dresses at the same time, or tour venues with you.
Do your best to keep things even, though. If half your girls get to accompany you to your dress shopping, the rest might enjoy going to your fitting.
For events like bachelorette parties, choose a buffer: invite some extra friends who aren’t in the wedding party. This can diffuse tension, and give your girls a broader selection of people to interact with.
4. Facilitate productive discussions, rather than fights.
Again, it’s best not to get involved whenever possible. But sometimes, you’ll be pulled into bridesmaid drama, whether you like it or not.
In those cases, take the role of a mediator.
Encourage a fair and productive discussion, where your bridesmaids can voice their concerns and feelings. Neutral territory is ideal for this—a restaurant, your home, etc.
And if the problem is between two bridesmaids, only invite those two (or however many are involved). The rest of the girls don’t need to, and shouldn’t, be there. This can lead to people feeling outnumbered or ganged up on, which raises defensiveness.
As a mediator, your role will be to:
- Make sure each person gets a chance to speak, uninterrupted.
- Remind both parties to use “This makes me feel” language, not accusatory remarks.
- Help to brainstorm solutions and compromises to the problem.
5. Help your bridesmaids find common ground.
Sometimes, bridesmaids don’t get along not because of outright arguments or drama; they just don’t have anything in common. Their clashing personalities are the cause for dislike.
But everyone has something in common, even if it’s tiny. You can help your girls find that thread.
Maybe they’re both frequent readers, or enjoy the same movies. One might be a gamer who enjoys RPGs, which isn’t too far removed from the other’s love of tabletop role-playing games.
There’s always something. After all, both girls became friends with you—so clearly, they have at least one element in common, somewhere.
Encouraging them to find common ground can mitigate drama, even if it doesn’t prevent all of it.
6. If they’re just faking it and playing nice? Let them.
Perhaps your bridesmaids aren’t actually squabbling, and haven’t even told you they dislike each other. But you can just tell.
They lack enthusiasm when they’re around each other. When you bring a girl up in conversation with another bridesmaid, they get quiet or give side-eye.
In other words: they’re just faking it. Pretending to get along, when they actually can’t stand each other.
In this scenario, the best thing you can do is simply let them.
We all have people we dislike or don’t get along with. Sometimes, we don’t even have a good reason! Our personalities just don’t mesh, or they say something that rubs us the wrong way. Whatever the reason, it happens—and it’s fine.
Yes, it hurts when people we love don’t like each other. But we can’t control their feelings and force them to get along.
Your girls are putting those differences aside to focus on their role as your bridesmaids. And that’s how it should be.
7. Don’t foster competitiveness or jealousy among your bridesmaids.
A couple years ago, I was involved in a wedding where the bride decided her maid of honor wasn’t pulling her weight.
Arguably, this was true. The MOH refused to put any money into the bridal shower or bachelorette funds. She talked bad about the other bridesmaids, and missed most pre-wedding events for no obvious reason.
But instead of talking to her and figuring out why, the bride decided to appoint a second maid of honor.
While there’s nothing wrong with having more than one MOH, the bride made the mistake of telling her first maid: “I just think [New MOH] will be more on the ball.”
And again—this turned out to be true. The second MOH was a natural party planner, so the role fit her like a glove.
But that decision (and the remark the bride made) unleashed a massive amount of jealousy and resentment in the first MOH, and I’m not sure anyone could blame her. She felt replaced, as though her title was just a consolation prize.
Worst of all: she felt like she was being replaced as a best friend.
And in the end, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. The bride and her first MOH no longer speak to each other. Of course, they were having issues beforehand too—but the wedding was the final nail in their friendship’s coffin.
You might be fostering competitiveness or jealousy in your bridesmaids, without even meaning to. In general:
- Avoid comparing what your bridesmaids do or don’t do to each other.
- Don’t discuss what some bridesmaids are spending vs. others.
- If you appoint additional MOHs or bridesmaids, don’t tell the others it’s because they aren’t “doing enough,” or the new person can “handle it better.”
- Again, avoid taking sides in arguments.
- Lastly: try to spend equal time with your bridesmaids, at least when it comes to wedding-related activities.
8. Avoid intervening unless it’s 100% necessary.
While this tip for dealing with bridesmaids’ drama is partially covered in “ignore it” and “don’t take sides,” it warrants its own section. Getting involved or taking sides can be passive, but intervening refers to action.
Don’t make decisions to resolve bridesmaid arguments or issues unless you absolutely have to.
This doesn’t include arranging events in such a way that they spend less time together, or setting boundaries for yourself. Rather, it refers to things like kicking out or demoting MOHs and bridesmaids, or forcing your girls to take certain actions (like paying their share of festivities).
You can encourage and facilitate resolutions, but you shouldn’t be the one to put them into action. It’s a louder form of taking sides.
Not only that, but it sets the precedent for you to intervene in all future bridesmaid issues. If you do it once, you might have to do it every single time—all the way through the wedding day.
9. Be prepared to kick out a bridesmaid, if it comes to that.
The last solution when your bridesmaids don’t get along is, admittedly, a nuclear option. It’s the absolute, last-ditch effort: kicking out a bridesmaid.
Sadly, sometimes this is the only solution. And for all the earlier talk of “don’t get involved, don’t take sides,” etc.—it does fall on you, and you alone.
If a bridesmaid has caused so much turmoil, drama, or heartache that you don’t even want her in your wedding anymore…yes, it might be time to cut ties.
Be forewarned, however, that kicking out a bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move. Maybe somewhere out there, you could find a one-in-a-billion exception—but I wouldn’t count on it.
Don’t kick out a bridesmaid unless you’re prepared for the friendship to end. It’s almost guaranteed.
One more caveat: never threaten a bridesmaid with getting kicked out. Using it as an ultimatum has the same effect: it will end your friendship, just more slowly and painfully. She’ll resent you, and never forget that you almost dropped her, even if you don’t.
Instead, treat this as a “no going back” option. You either do it, or you don’t; it’s not a conversation to be had lightly.
Ultimately, Bridesmaids Not Getting Along Is Out Of Your Control
With the major exception of kicking out a bridesmaid for friendship-ending behavior, your wedding party not getting along can’t be fixed by you.
You can’t control other people’s actions or feelings. If two or more bridesmaids are determined to fight, dislike each other, or start drama, you won’t be able to stop them.
Still, there are solutions for brides who are tired of their bridesmaids’ bickering.
Besides ignoring the issues, you can limit how often warring bridesmaids have to be around each other. Sitting down and mediating a discussion can also help.
Finally, you can extend a heartfelt plea: that regardless of how your girls feel about each other, they can put their differences aside when it comes to your wedding.
After all, they should be there for you, just as you’ve supported them.
If they can’t manage that, you don’t have a bridesmaid problem: you have a friendship problem—one you’ll have to face long after the wedding ends.
