If you secretly hate your engagement ring, you’re not alone. In fact, the title of this blog post was an actual text message sent to me from my best friend.
She had just gotten engaged, and was overjoyed—we all were! Her fiancé is downright perfect for her, and she couldn’t wait to start their lives together.
But she despised the ring he gave her. I mean downright hated it, with her entire heart and soul. Even worse, she had no idea how (or if) she should tell him how she really felt about it.
Truth: Some Rings are Just Fugly
We’ve all seen some downright ugly rings in our Pinterest feeds, or while browsing jewelry cases.
You might have even seen some ugly ones on your friends’ or coworkers’ fingers. (Not that you’d ever tell them so.)
Ugly rings happen. Some just aren’t our tastes, while others lack a certain aesthetic appeal, or are dated in design – featuring settings or metals popular in our grandparents’ day, but not so much in 2019.
I may not know diamonds, but I know what I like. And even I had to admit, when I saw the ring on my friend’s hand, I didn’t like it. So I wasn’t one bit surprised to receive her frantic text message.
If you secretly hate your engagement ring, don’t worry. – because you’re not the only one. Plenty of brides-to-be don’t like their rings.
Thankfully, there are solutions…but first, let’s clear the stigma around this subject.
Am I a Bad Person?
Definitely not. You’re just a person.
In short, we like what we like, and dislike things we don’t. As complicated as humans can be at times, personal preferences are just that simple.
I love chickpeas but hate hummus, and I can’t even tell you why – I’ve got no clue. Jewelry preferences are often the same way!
As long as you’re not:
- berating his tastes (to his face, nor behind his back),
- refusing to accept his proposal altogether until he gets a “better” ring, or
- demanding he spend a certain amount on the ring – especially more than he can afford…
…don’t worry: you’re definitely not a bad person.
Or, as my friend oh, so wrongfully called herself, a “dumb, petty b****.”
You’re Allowed to Dislike Your Ring
Wait…what?
Yep, you read that correctly: you’re allowed to dislike your engagement ring, for literally any reason.
Maybe the stones are too small, or lacking the clarity you wanted. That thick and clunky band isn’t at all what you envisioned.
Perhaps he got yellow gold, when you really wanted rose.
Whatever the reason, you know you don’t like it. The thought of staring at this thing for all eternity breaks your heart almost as much as the thought of actually confessing it your fiancé.
First, take a deep breath, and let’s recap:
You are not a bad person. You’re allowed to dislike your ring.
It doesn’t make you a “bridezilla,” either. I hate that term, and you’ll only ever hear me say it when I’m talking about a “lifezilla who happens to be engaged” – someone who’s insufferable with or without a wedding to plan.
People might call you one, in jest or otherwise, but don’t second-guess yourself, or let their names devalue your opinion.
You have the right to not love your engagement ring, and expressing your opinion does not make you a bridezilla.
Okay…So How Do I Tell My Fiancé I Hate My Ring?
Eventually, my friend came clean to her husband-to-be.
It didn’t go over well.
Granted, I wasn’t there for the conversation, so I don’t know what she said, exactly, or how lightly she was treading with regards to his feelings.
It’s possible she accidentally offended him. It’s also possible she broke the news as gently as she could, but he took it personally.
Either way, that’s a fear any bride who dislikes her ring will have. We love our men, and the last thing we want to do is hurt their feelings.
But is that even possible, in a situation like this?
For the most part, it depends on your partner. Some people take things personally, or just don’t handle criticism well. Hopefully, you know whether or not that’s your partner, and can plan accordingly.
Below are some tips that might help, regardless.
Tips to Tell Your Fiancé You Want a Different Engagement Ring
1) Give it time.
Sometimes we build ideas and expectations up too high in our heads.
If you’ve been looking at engagement rings online recently (or for years – no shame), chances are good that you gained very specific ideas about what your future ring would look like.
You daydreamed, you Pinned, you sent screenshots to friends – maybe you even tried some on at a jewelry store.
But then he proposed, and you found yourself with a ring that was…different than what you expected.
The human brain is funny, sometimes. Its initial interpretation of “different” usually becomes “bad.”
So maybe your ring isn’t really ugly. Maybe you don’t really hate it.
Maybe it’s just different from what you expected.
Wear it for a few weeks, or even a couple months. Get it properly sized, if needed, so you can see exactly how it sits on your finger.
Take photos of it, show it off – do exactly what you’d do with your dream ring.
If you still don’t like it after some time has passed to acclimate, you know you’re genuinely not a fan of the ring, instead of just in shock.
2) Articulate (to yourself) exactly what you don’t like about the ring.
I like lists – as though that isn’t obvious – so I suggest actually writing these down.
What is it you don’t like about your ring, exactly? Be as specific as possible, because there are no wrong answers.
Is the metal type wrong, or is the band too thick?
Does the ring flatter your hand? Was the stone cut the way you’d prefer?
Is the stone too small to really see, or so large it snags on every sweater you own?
You might find yourself stuck on these, at first. If “it’s just ugly” is the only thing you can think of, take off your ring and study it a moment. What leaps out at you first, in terms of it not looking right?
This list is not to share with your fiancé, by the way: it’s strictly for you. Only by knowing exactly what you dislike can you effectively explain yourself to him later.
3) Brainstorm some solutions.
Now that you’ve got a list with the traits you dislike about your engagement ring, use those to find possible solutions.
Example: if the metal is wrong, changing the band could indeed be a simple fix.
Diamond too small? Write down “Bigger stone.”
This list isn’t for your fiancé to see, either. It’s simply a tool to help you when you talk to him.
4) Wear it anyway, if possible – for a while.
This kind of goes with Number 1 – giving yourself time to adjust to the newness of the ring – but has another benefit.
Your fiancé will see you wearing your ring, and this can help soften the blow when you tell him your thoughts on it.
Seems counterintuitive, right?
But if he sees me wearing it, he’ll think I love it! It’ll be even more painful when I tell him the truth.
Maybe, at first. But he’ll also realize – hopefully – that you wore the ring all that time even though you didn’t like it, because you were excited for the engagement itself. You still loved what the ring represented.
That’s the important part, and the true purpose of wearing your ring, even if you hated it from Day One.
5) Tell your fiancé what, if anything, you love about his choice first.
In creative writing workshops, I often encounter a technique called “PCP.” (No, not the drug. Workshops would have a very different vibe in that case.)
In this context, PCP stands for Praise, Criticism, Praise.
You soften the blow of a criticism – and thus make the recipient more receptive to hearing it – by framing it with two honest pieces of praise.
Example: “I love that you picked my favorite gemstone for these flanking stones! But the center stone is a little smaller than I’d prefer, for this kind of design. Maybe we can swap it for a larger one? But with the same vibrancy of the one you picked.”
All right, so it isn’t perfect – I made all that up off the top of my head. But you get the idea.
Find literally any positive points about your ring, and make sure to emphasize them.
You’re not looking to sugarcoat anything, here: if you don’t like the metal he chose for the band, don’t tell him you do.
The point of the PCP method is strictly to frame the criticisms in a way that makes the listener…well, listen.
An endless list of dislikes might make him tune out or cause a fight. Besides that, adding praise will help with the next tip.
6) Reassure him you appreciate his choice.
Think of all the daydreaming and planning you’ve done leading up to this incredible life event. How many times did you imagine getting proposed to?
Your fiancé imagined it, too.
Maybe not as often, and probably not in half as much detail – but he did. And chances are, he worried and fretted over his ring selection for a long time before he finally purchased one.
I’m not trying to pile on the guilt; you already know all this.
I just want to emphasize that an engagement ring is a highly emotional purchase for men, even if they don’t show it – so make sure you tell him you understand that.
Reassure him that you appreciate the time, energy, money, and possible worry he put into selecting your ring, and that even though you don’t like the look of it, you adore the sentiment behind it.
7) Compromise, if needed.
So: what did my best friend do about her ring?
As I said, her fiancé got upset. Like…really upset. Arguing, kind of moody, and dodgy for a couple days.
Eventually, they decided to compromise.
Instead of ordering an entirely new ring (though there’s nothing wrong with that, if you both agree it’s the best way to go), they decided to replace the center stone and change its setting.
My friend realized what she hated about her ring was how dull the center stone (an emerald) looked.
In photos, it was bright green – which was why her fiancé chose it – but in real life, the stone had a clunky, black look to it. Once she explained that, he saw her point and agreed a new stone might be the solution.
There are plenty of compromises you and your fiancé can reach if you don’t like your ring.
Ordering a new set is, again, a fine option. You can pick one out together, and even reenact your proposal somewhere special, if you want.
Changing stones, altering settings, and swapping bands are also simple fixes with the help of an experienced jeweler. Consult one before deciding, to get an idea of what’s possible and in your budget.
Another option is to ditch the ring completely.
Tattooed rings and silicone bands aren’t everyone’s cup of tea – but it might be perfect for some brides who want the symbolism of a ring without having to actually wear one.
Special Cases: Family Rings
I debated whether or not to give this its own section, but ultimately decided it really needs its own post, too: it’s just too complicated.
If you’ve been given a family ring you hate – or just dislike, and maybe want to alter – I’ve got some ideas and tips on how to tell your fiancé and his family…as well as possible drama solutions.
You can check it out here: Inheriting an Engagement Ring You Don’t Like.
Hopefully there won’t be any drama, and you’ll be able to handle that scenario with the same tips listed above – but just in case, it’s a good idea to prepare yourself for some blowback.
Heirlooms and family traditions can be sensitive subjects, and it’s hard to reject something so special without making the givers feel rejected, as well.
But no need to fear, that’s all covered in the other post!
My Fiancé Won’t Compromise – Now What?
In the off chance a girl’s fiancé refuses to get a new ring, change the current one, or find a compromise – even if it takes weeks to reach an agreement – I’ve got bad news for her.
She’s got bigger issues than the ring.
I’m not saying anything we all don’t already know: marriage is all about compromise. It’s about working together, striving for common goals, and helping each other become our best selves.
If a guy refuses to listen to his fiancée about her ring now, what would he refuse to listen about in the future?
How many kids she wants? What size house?
How will he respect her feelings and value her opinions going forward, if he doesn’t respect and value them today?
If any of those girls are reading this – if you’re one of them – don’t panic. I’m not saying he’s going to be a terrible husband – just that you might have more to work on before the wedding than you realize.
Maybe he’s defensive because that’s just his personality. This is an issue he needs to work on, possibly in counseling.
Maybe he’s insecure, and worried you not liking the ring means you don’t really want to be engaged. If you’ve assured him that isn’t the case, and demonstrated as much in your behavior – again, that’s not on you, that’s on him. He has to work on his insecurity, whatever that journey entails, for you, himself – and your marriage.
Relax – and Know You Aren’t Alone
Plenty of women don’t like their rings.
Some change their mind after wearing it a while (I did). Others, like my friend, go for months hoping it’ll grow on them…but it just doesn’t.
It’s okay, and it’s normal. You’re allowed to not love it.
Just make sure you tell your fiancé, with clear reasons and possible solutions already in mind. Before the wedding is ideal, of course – but even post-honeymoon is okay, if that’s how you feel.
It’s not easy, telling him you don’t like your ring. But marriage isn’t easy, either. There will be a lot of moments like these in the future, when you have to tell each other hard truths.
You won’t like a house he loves. He won’t like a baby name you adore.
If it helps, we can call the Ring Conversation “practice.” You can do this – and when similar situations arise in your marriage, you’ll be able to handle those, too.
Wives and brides-to-be: did you dislike your ring? How did you tell your fiancé (if you ever did)? Comment below and share your story!
