It’s bad enough to get any engagement ring that isn’t your style…but what can you do if you’re inheriting a ring you don’t like, or even hate?

A friend’s coworker recently got engaged, and her ring just so happens to be a treasured family heirloom from her fiancé’s grandmother. 

The grandma brought it to the U.S. when she immigrated from Russia several decades ago. As a result, it’s very special to the fiancé’s family, and a huge honor that this girl gets to wear it. 

Problem is, she can’t stand it.

The girl told all her coworkers she dislikes the ring, then told all her friends.  But she hasn’t told her fiancé yet, and it sounds like she never will.  But is that the right call?

If you’re inheriting an engagement ring you don’t like, should you turn it down…or will that permanently damage your relationship with your new family? 

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Come Clean, or Suffer in Silence?

I’ve written about hating your engagement ring before, and personally believe a bride should always be honest with her fiancé if she dislikes her ring.

You’re allowed to dislike it.  While a ring may have a lovely history, that doesn’t automatically make it “fit” your preferences.

But should you actually tell your fiancé you dislike your engagement ring, especially if you’re inheriting it from someone in his family?

I’m going to give an emphatic yes.

But…with plenty of caveats.

Yes, It’s an Honor…but You Didn’t Ask for It

Receiving a family ring is an incredible honor, true.  Perhaps it was your fiancé’s grandmother’s ring, or an heirloom passed down through generations.

It might also look extremely dated for today’s styles. 

Or maybe it’s beautiful – but not your style.

I’m sure there are even a few cases where the engagement ring is great, but the bride dislikes the family member she’s inheriting it from.

However the family ring got to you, it arrived steeped in history and tradition.  It holds a special place in your fiancé’s heart…and his family members’ hearts, too.

But that doesn’t mean you have to accept that honor.

You didn’t ask to have such an honor bestowed upon you – and honors we don’t want can often feel like burdens.

You didn’t pick this ring – and neither did your fiancé.  Someone else picked it, many years ago, for a totally different marriage. And that’s great for them.

But this isn’t about their marriage.  It’s about yours.

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Inheriting an engagement ring you don’t like doesn’t magically make its design less dated, the stones larger, nor the metal different.   You’re allowed to stand by your personal tastes.

First, Don’t Tell People Who Aren’t Your Fiancé

Tread very carefully, here. 

When you announce your engagement, you’ll have folks swarming you with demands to see that ring.

And when you show it to them…you might feel a very strong urge to tell them you dislike it, out of fear they, too, think it’s ugly or doesn’t suit you. So you want to set the record straight: you agree.

Tempting as this is, you still shouldn’t do it.

While a few coworkers or your best friend might be safe to tell, avoid telling anyone who might reveal the information to relevant family members.

(The last thing you need is an awkward engagement party, where his family’s whispering about how much you despise Great Nana’s sole possession she brought over from the old country, right?)

If you have to say anything, simply tell them the story of where the ring came from, then leave it at that.

To minimize drama, tell your fiancé before anyone else – but not immediately.  Enjoy your engagement a while, and give the inherited ring a fair shot in the spotlight in case it grows on you. 

But if it doesn’t, don’t worry: there are solutions.

Repurposing the Stones

For whatever reason, the band itself – the actual, physical “ring” part — isn’t usually the highlight of an engagement ring.  Instead, it’s the stones.

The good news is that stones can easily be reset into different bands, or incorporated into existing ring designs.

You can also have a jeweler mock up a completely customized ring, just for you, that utilizes the elements of the family ring, but in a way that looks brand-new and leaves you as breathless as your dream ring would have.

Repurposing the diamonds and other stones from a family ring allows you to preserve the memory of that family member, while still getting a ring you adore.

Giving the Ring Back

If repurposing isn’t possible, you’ll obviously have to give the ring back.

Actually, let me rephrase: your fiancé will have to give the ring back.

I’ve seen far too many forum posts from brides-to-be who tried to return the ring themselves and accidentally started a huge family feud.  Your fiancé has the responsibility and jurisdiction, in this situation.

Yes, his family will soon be your family, too – but they aren’t.  Not yet.  Even if they feel like family.  And they’ll definitely take the news better from him than from you. 

Simply put, your fiancé accepted the heirloom.  He accepted the honor.

You did not.  You accepted his proposal.

So, all that said – how do you first tell your fiancé you don’t like the ring?

Coming Clean About Your Ring

Firstly, express gratitude.

Chances are, your fiancé didn’t choose this ring simply because it was free.  He gave it to you because he wanted to honor the person it belonged to, and to carry on his family tradition.

Make sure you tell him you understand and appreciate that.

Secondly, frame everything you don’t like about the ring with two things you do like.

For example: “I love the story behind this ring.  It isn’t quite my style, though: it’s yellow gold, and the center stone is smaller than what I always envisioned – though the clarity really is gorgeous.”

After that, you can segue into the main point: tell him you want a different engagement ring, even though you appreciate the sentimental value of inhering one.

Hopefully, he sees your point and appreciates your honesty. 

If he doesn’t – and isn’t willing to at least compromise by altering the ring – I would say there are some underlying issues that need attention.  

He might just need time to cool off, or regroup.  Sometimes we take things too personally: maybe he’s worried your rejection of the inherited ring is also a rejection of him, or his family.  All you can do is reassure him that isn’t the case, and emphasize that it’s a matter of preference.

If he’s respectful of your feelings, and you broke the news in a direct but kind way, he’ll listen. 

Even if it takes some time or space, a man who values your opinion will try to see things your way, and find a solution you’re both happy about.

Giving It Back is Up to Him

Once you’ve told your fiancé the truth, it’s up to him to give it back to whoever gave it to him, or store it for safekeeping as applicable.

In the event that he fights you on this, stand firm.

To repeat, it was not gifted to you by them; it was gifted to him, for him to give you.  Follow the original chain of gifting in reverse.

You both should thank whoever it came from, though. 

If his mother passed it down from her mother, for instance, take his mother to lunch (after the ring’s been returned) and express gratitude for the thoughtful gesture on her part.  You can also discuss other ways to honor the grandmother’s memory, perhaps during the wedding ceremony.

If it was gifted directly to him by the former wearer, a small gift and thank-you card is also a nice gesture. 

 

Some people might even enjoy a portrait of you wearing the ring. 

Sure, it’s not your forever ring…but it played an important role in your early engagement, nonetheless.  Depending on the giver’s personality, expressing that might bring them a great deal of joy.

Finally: Don’t Feel Bad About It

Seriously.  Don’t.

You didn’t pick this ring.  Likewise, neither did your fiancé. 

Someone else picked it, many years ago, for a totally different marriage. And that’s great for them.

But this isn’t about their marriage.  It’s about yours.

You deserve a ring you love, not as a shallow status symbol or simple piece of jewelry, but as a powerful and permanent reminder of your relationship.

While it was nice the family kept it all these years and thought to pass it along, in the end…it’s still an object.  For this reason, it’s subject to changing times and tastes, like anything else.

If your grandma gave you a sofa she bought when she was 20, it probably wouldn’t match anything else in your house, right?

…unless you love antiques, I guess, but you see my point.

Just because something is old and special, doesn’t mean it’s a good fit for you. 

Don’t feel obligated to wear a family heirloom engagement ring – any more than you’d feel obligated to put Grandma’s old davenport in the middle of your living room.

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Wives and brides-to-be – did you inherit an engagement ring?  Share your stories in the comments!