When planning our wedding, we never dream we’ll want to kick a bridesmaid out of the wedding party.
After all, these girls are our best friends, college roommates, sisters, or cousins.
We know them like the backs of our hands, now shimmering with the most expensive piece of jewelry we’ll ever own.
At least…we thought we knew them.
What happens when a bridesmaid isn’t working out? Should we cut them loose? Stage an intervention?
Or ignore the whole thing, and simmer silently forever?
Some Damn Good Reasons to Kick Out a Bridesmaid
1. She fooled around with your fiancé while you were with him.
Okay, this one is a no-brainer, but I still had to include it juuust in case.
Kick that bridesmaid and your fiancé to the curb. Pronto.
2. She despises and berates your fiancé.
I don’t mean she thinks he’s nerdy, or just doesn’t “get” the attraction.
No, she full-on hates him.
Worse, she never misses an opportunity to try and tear you two apart.
Maybe she genuinely doesn’t like him and thinks you can do better, simply because he’s not her type.
Or maybe she’s jealous you’re leaving her behind in the single life, or that your partner has strengths hers doesn’t.
(For instance, he has a great career, while her beau is still struggling.)
Regardless, you don’t need that negativity.
Marriage takes an enormous amount of outside support to work.
“Us against the world” sounds romantic, but it’s really just a roller coaster of stress, doubt, and pressure.
Surround yourself with people who support your marriage—or, if nothing else, respect your decision enough to keep their mouths shut.
Exception: your friend is worried for a legitimate reason, one you might not be able to see. If he mistreats you, cheats, or has very different goals from you (e.g., you want kids and he definitely doesn’t), your friend is right to be worried.
No matter what the reason, you two obviously need to talk.
But if her reasons aren’t one of the exceptions listed above, tell her to get over herself.
3. You’ve realized she’s not at ALL who you thought she was.
During her wedding, a college friend of mine discovered one of her bridesmaids had stolen her wedding band.
Even crazier? She had the nerve—or the stupidity—to wear it in front of the bride.
How did a girl like that even get added to the wedding party, you ask?
Simply put, the bride thought she knew her. They’d been great office friends; she was the bride’s favorite coworker. But spending time together outside the office shed light on some serious issues.
Needless to say, that bridesmaid got the boot.
Obviously, this is an extreme example. Most people do know their bridesmaids very well, so sudden bombshells like that aren’t likely.
But if your bridesmaid seems like a totally different person to you now (in a very bad way), to the point you’re questioning if they should stay in your life?
Yeah: she shouldn’t stay in your wedding party, either.
4. She no longer wants to be a bridesmaid (or, maybe, never did).
Every time you bring up wedding plans, this girl checks out.
It doesn’t matter what it is: neither color swatches nor customized cocktails can hold her interest.
Of course, this is assuming you can even reach her. That’s because nearly all your texts get left on Read, and she never responds in the group chat.
In short, your bridesmaid is disinterested in your wedding plans.
She doesn’t care about your wedding at all, and you’re devastated that someone you love can’t at least slap on a smile and pretend, if nothing else, for a few months.
You should kick that bridesmaid out, right?
Obviously, she doesn’t care. She isn’t acting like a bridesmaid, because she doesn’t want to be one.
Otherwise, she’d show support and get excited…wouldn’t she?
But it might not be that simple.
Why doesn’t my bridesmaid care?
It is frustrating and saddening when friends or family act like they don’t care you’re getting married.
But you can’t know what’s going on in her head. Maybe she does care, but can’t really show it in the ways you want.
Some people just aren’t into weddings, and there’s not much you can do if that’s the case with her. It’s just how she is.
Instead, redirect most of your wedding talk to the bridesmaids that are interested in weddings.
Another possibility is that she’s strapped for cash, and feels too ashamed or afraid to tell you.
So, instead of explaining why she can’t get that dress or attend the bachelorette party…she goes MIA.
First, talk to her. She doesn’t have to share her exact financial situation, but let her know you’ll be happy to help any way you can.
Only the two of you should be privy to this convo. Don’t involve other bridesmaids, no matter how great the temptation is to vent.
Maybe Your Bridesmaid Wants to Step Down
Lastly, there’s the possibly that, yes: your bridesmaid simply does not want to be a bridesmaid.
She might even be subconsciously hoping you’ll kick her out, so she doesn’t have to ask.
The best way to find out is in a calm, private conversation, in whatever manner she’s most comfortable with.
If you know she’ll be more honest over text than in person, start the conversation there.
If she says yes, she still wants to be a bridesmaid, ask her more questions:
- Do you feel like I’ve asked too much of you?
- Is anything going on in your life that you need to talk about?
- What level of involvement would you prefer to have?
Her answers will give you a much clearer picture of what she expected her duties to be, as well as what she can afford in terms of money and time.
After that, you two can set new parameters for her role.
What do I do if my bridesmaid wants out?
If your bridesmaid admits that she does not want to be a bridesmaid, or that she can’t due to other circumstances, let her know you understand.
Yes, it is heartbreaking when the person you envisioned by your side can’t, or won’t, stand beside you on your wedding day.
You might even be mad, if she waited a long time to tell you the truth.
But keep in mind, it probably wasn’t easy for her to open up to you like that.
All you can do now is thank her for her honesty. Let her know you’d still like her there as a guest.
Above all, reassure her that you love her.
It won’t be easy, moving past this. But as long as communication stays open and genuine, you can do it.
Remind yourself that you’re losing a bridesmaid…but you’re doing it to keep your friend.
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5. She’s made your life a living hell.
Some bridesmaids need every last bit of attention on them.
They’ll do anything to get it, too—from pretending to faint at the bridal shower, to throwing full-blown fits when they hate their dress.
Others criticize every last aspect of your wedding, or blow their paychecks but whine about their dress.
Other “maidzilla” symptoms:
- As soon as her name appears on your phone, your anxiety triples.
- The other bridesmaids can’t stand her.
- You wish you’d never asked her to be in your wedding.
- You can’t even imagine staying friends with her after this.
Only you can decide if it’s the right move to kick that bridesmaid out.
Some friends are just extra as hell, but we know they’ll go back to normal when the wedding is over.
Others…not so much.
If you’re not sure what to do, tell her how you feel. See if there’s a reason she’s been acting this way.
Be prepared for defensiveness and anger. Be prepared to lose her.
But, if she’s determined to save your friendship, she’ll be open to change.
It’s never “okay” in the sense that everything will be fine afterwards, because it won’t.
The slightly longer answer: it’s totally okay, when the reasons behind it are valid.
That said, talking it out first is best. Sometimes the fix is much simpler than removing her.
If you kick a bridesmaid out or ask her to step down, be prepared for the relationship to change.
Sometimes this is permanent; sometimes it isn’t. Either way, it’s going to be awkward. It will be unpleasant.
But…it might be necessary.
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