I still remember the tension in the room when my three bridesmaids each realized I was asking them to be bridesmaids…and not my maid of honor.
That title went to my oldest friend, a decision that felt simple in some ways. We’d always daydreamed about our weddings like that: choosing each other as our MOHs, partly because we assumed our other friends would choose each other.
And my bond with my MOH was especially unique. She’d been my pillar of support through every single life event, and was the guardian of my child. How could I not choose her?
Like I said: the decision was simple.
But that doesn’t mean it was easy.
If you’re stuck in the position of choosing a maid or matron of honor when you have multiple best friends or sisters, you might be dreading awkward conversations and hurt feelings when you announce your decision.
First, however, you have to make that decision—and it can feel overwhelming, or downright daunting. Here are some tried-and-true tips for choosing your maid of honor when you’ve got multiple candidates ready for the role.
8 Ways to Choose Your Maid of Honor When You Have More Than One Best Friend
1. Go with your sister, even if you aren’t super close.
Admittedly, I stole this tip from a recently-married friend of mine: she picked her sister, despite the fact they don’t have much in common, don’t hang out a lot, and she’s nearly 20 years younger.
Why?
Because it meant she didn’t have to choose among us, her oldest and best friends—and we couldn’t even get upset about it (not that we would have).
It’s an apples-to-oranges comparison. Ideally, your bridesmaids’ feelings won’t get hurt no matter who you select—but some of them might feel like the MOH title “ranks” them by friendship status.
While this isn’t your problem (after all, you can’t really control how other people think or feel), it’s understandable if you’re looking to avoid that.
A sister has a status all her own already. That familial connection, even if you two aren’t blood-related or super close, is inherently different from the one you share with your BFFs.
Bestowing the honor on your sister is often seen as, “Oh, well, that makes perfect sense. They’re family.” Since the connection is different, and one that’s out of anyone’s control, no one feels like they’ve “lost” the imaginary race to be MOH.
If you have multiple sisters, however, this can backfire: they too can feel they’re competing for “closest sister.”
While you can of course pick the sister you’re actually closest too, it might not be that easy. Apply the tips below to your situation all the same, to help you decide which sister gets the maid of honor title.
2. Choose your most supportive friend.
Life can be hard, and it’s a relief when you meet that special someone who wants to tackle it all alongside you.
Before you met your fiancé, however, you had your besties—and chances are, one in particular has been a louder and more consistent cheerleaders than the others.
We’re talking about the 2 a.m. call friend. That person who would drop anything to listen to you vent or cry. The one you just know will hold your hand if you get pre-wedding jitters, talk you through your first fight with your spouse, and offer the ideal blend of tough love and shoulders to cry on.
That’s your maid of honor.
Maybe all your friends are equally supportive, though. How do you choose?
In that case, I might pick the friend who also knows or likes my fiancé best.
She can not only offer support to you, but objectively see his side of things when a truly unbiased opinion is needed.
And after all, she’ll be in close proximity with both of you for weeks leading up to the big day. If she and your fiancé don’t really get along, you’re looking at some tense and awkward wedding planning.
3. Pick your oldest friend.
Closeness and support matter, but these alone aren’t always useful metrics when choosing your maid of honor. Sometimes you’re equally close to all your friends, and all of them are your cheerleaders.
If that’s the case, go with seniority.
Who’s been around the longest? Who’s seen you through more years, more life events, more ups and downs than anyone else?
Maybe two of your besties are girls you met in high school or college, but one is a friend you’ve known since your diaper days. Choosing her might make perfect sense.
Like sisterhood, “oldest friends” is a connection that’s out of anyone’s control—you can’t help when you two met! So it’s unlikely the other bridesmaids can feel slighted by this selection process.
4. Choose the friend who hasn’t been a MOH yet.
Another option to pick your maid of honor is to go with “fairness.” Who hasn’t been a maid or matron yet?
Remember, this is an “all else being equal” option. We’re assuming your friends are equally close to you, all interested in being the MOH, and all just as supportive of you and your marriage.
So look at their histories. Has one of them been the maid of honor for her sister already, or will be in the future? Have two of them been the MOH twice, or done it for each other already?
If one girl has never had that position, it might mean a lot to her to receive it now.
5. Go with the person who named you their MOH (or will, in the future).
Part of why I chose the maid of honor I did was because I knew, when she got married, I would be her matron of honor.
We’d discussed it for years, and — while I obviously couldn’t predict the future —I was pretty certain her plans weren’t going to change.
And, years later, they didn’t. I was her MOH, just as she’d been mine.
If you’ve been one of your best friends’ maid of honor already, or know with reasonable certainty you will be in the future, it might make sense to pick her as your maid or matron of honor too.
Like going with your sister or oldest friend, “trading” that honor is a connection the other bridesmaids can’t necessarily argue with. It has a sense of rightness and balance.
On the other hand, it does reinforce a certain kind of “ranking.” Your other friends might naturally assume you two are closer than the others in the group.
Only you know your group’s unique dynamic, and what repercussions that decision might have.
6. Give the honor to the one who loves weddings the most.
Some people are all about weddings.
They can’t get enough: the plans, the flowers, the dresses—they love the energy and fun surrounding the entire process, whether it’s their own wedding or someone else’s.
If one of your besties adores all things wedding, or even works in a wedding-related industry, she might be a natural choice for maid of honor.
Of course, even your non-wedding-loving friends might be extra excited simply because this is your wedding, so it’s not as though this option is foolproof.
Still, you’ll know a standout wedding lover when you see one. She’s always asking about your plans, tags along to venue tours, and sends you ideas almost daily. You know she’ll never get tired of hearing about your wedding—and the MOH has to hear about it a lot.
Caveat: Don’t pick a wedding-loving friend who wouldn’t be a candidate if she didn’t love weddings. In other words, you should still have closeness, the kind that would put her in the running even if she hated weddings.
Otherwise, the role takes on a sort of “job interview” quality—and this is supposed to be an honor, not a job.
7. Ask your friends to help you decide.
Don’t pull a Monica and force your bridesmaids to pick which one of them will be your MOH—but do consider asking for their input.
You might be surprised. One friend could take that opportunity to confess that she doesn’t want to be a maid of honor, because she hates giving speeches or spearheading event planning like the bachelorette.
Another might admit she’s got a lot going on at work over the next year, and won’t have the time.
They might also talk through the thought processes with you and decide on one of the above options—that Friend A is your oldest, so you should give her the title; or that Friend B knows your fiancé best (she might even be related to him, or have known him since before she met you), so she makes the most sense as the maid of honor.
No matter what conclusion they help you draw, their input can be incredibly helpful. And it makes perfect sense: after all, these girls are your best friends for a reason. This won’t be the first tough decision they’ve helped you make.
The potential for this strategy to go wrong is low, but it does exist: you might learn that each girl wants the MOH title equally.
Silver lining: they now also know your decision is torn, so they know they’re being considered equally too.
You can still use one of the above methods to choose, even if their insight and feedback doesn’t help much. Or you can go with the final option below.
8. Have multiple maids of honor—or none.
Finally, we arrive at my favorite fix for choosing a maid of honor when you have multiple best friends: all or nothing.
It might sound like a cop-out, but it can be the perfect (or only) solution to your problem.
Naming all your friends maids or matrons of honor, or none of them, means they share in the typical MOH duties—and, if they’re all your best friends, that’s something they’d likely be doing anyway.
They can split those duties amongst themselves in the way that makes the most sense, too. One bridesmaid might be a natural party planner, so she’d decide to handle the bachelorette. Another has a knack for public speaking, so she’d give the speech.
You also don’t have to do “all or nothing” if your bridesmaids aren’t all equally close friends—just apply that mindset to the ones you’re having trouble deciding between.
For example, if one bridesmaid is your fiance’s sister and you don’t know her well, and two are your lifelong best friends, make them both your MOH, and have your fiance’s sister remain a bridesmaid.
Don’t be afraid to buck tradition. There’s no law that says you have to have a maid of honor, or that you can’t have more than one.
How to Handle a Friend’s Hurt Feelings When She Isn’t Your Maid of Honor
As a human, you have to remember the golden rule of boundaries: you can’t help how other people feel. You can’t control their emotions.
But, as a friend, you of course don’t want your decision to hurt your BFF. And you don’t want her mad at you over it, either.
The first step is to talk things out.
While you don’t owe anyone, even her, an explanation for your decision—it’s nice to provide one when you can.
Start with how hard the decision was, and assure her that her title doesn’t diminish her role in your wedding—or her role in your life. Then, if you want to, you can provide the reasoning behind your choice.
End with a reminder that you love her dearly, and she means the world to you; you can’t imagine her not being beside you on your big day, no matter what her “title” is.
Example:
“First, I need to tell you that choosing [Other Friend] was really difficult. I consider you my best friend too. So please know that you’re not ‘just a bridesmaid’ to me. I need you beside me all the same. The reason I chose [Other Friend] was [your reason]. Please know it’s not a measure of how much you mean to me.”
If, after your explanation and reassurances, your friend still feels upset? You might just need to give her time to process her disappointment.
Do not retroactively add her as a maid of honor just because it hurt her feelings. That is, unless you truly thought she didn’t want the role (and knowing that would’ve changed your decision).
This can make her feel like an afterthought, and make your original maid of honor feel as though you regret choosing her.
If you’re going to have more than one maid of honor, you need to decide that from the get-go. Or—since it’s technically never too late to add someone to your wedding party—at least ask them around the same time, if possible.
Also, both (or all) girls should be aware they’re sharing the role when you ask them.
Choosing a Maid of Honor Isn’t Easy, But It Is Simple
I’m a nerd for language and nuance. My favorite reminder to myself and others is that “easy” and “simple” do not mean the same thing.
Easy means low effort. Little to no emotional strife attached.
Simple means the path is obvious—but might be treacherous all the same.
Choosing a maid of honor when you have more than one best friend isn’t easy, by any stretch of the imagination. It can feel like you’re ranking your friendships, or saying you love one girl more than the other.
But, by taking some time to really think your decision through—it does become very simple. Not easier, but clear.
Either you’ll come to the conclusion one of your friends should be MOH over the others, due to seniority, interest, or other reasons…or you’ll decide to do away with tradition and pick multiple maids of honor. Or none. Or go with an “apples-to-oranges” option, like your sister.
Whatever you choose, remember that you can’t control other people’s emotions about it. If you deliver your decision with tact and empathy, you aren’t responsible for how your friends choose to react.
And what’s more, if they are your best friends, they’ll realize it doesn’t really matter what title you give them on your wedding day. Just that they’re beside you—on the big day, and all the days to come.
