It’s a trend that’s gaining ground like crazy – and with good reason:
Brides giving their girls a color, maybe an overall style, and letting them loose in bridal boutiques and internet shops to pick their own dresses.
The appeal is obvious: brides don’t have to choose!
They don’t have to worry over which dress looks good on all their girls, who can afford what, or choosing something their bridesmaids will secretly hate.
It sounds perfect, doesn’t it?
Your girls love their dresses.
They get dresses they can afford.
And you don’t have to do anything.
But believe it or not, there’s still a case to be made for brides choosing their bridesmaids’ dresses themselves, or at least for group collaboration.
If you’re on the fence about letting your bridesmaids choose their own dresses, consider these pros and cons.
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Con: They Won’t Match.
Pro: Maybe They Shouldn’t.
Unless your best friends happen to be identical triplets, chances are your bridesmaids themselves don’t “match.”
And after all, isn’t that why you love them? Their uniqueness, their differences – the things that make them…them?
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.
And so many brides forget that their wedding party is made up of people, not props.
The worst wedding I was ever in, the bride made snide comments to her 12 bridesmaids about losing or gaining weight, covering tattoos, cutting our hair similar lengths…unfortunately, the list goes on and on.
In truth, she didn’t want bridesmaids. She wanted props – a row of identical girls to stand behind her for “perfect photos.”
Her crime wasn’t that she wanted us in matching dresses, though. That was normal, and expected. It was all the other crazy stuff she wanted.
So there is nothing wrong with preferring that your girls match, so that your ceremony and photos have a cohesive look. Even if your girls are totally different in look and personality, identical dresses can make them appear more “linked.”
They might even feel more unified, especially if they don’t know each other well, so there’s still something to be said for matching bridesmaids.
Just make sure you’re choosing matching dresses for the right reasons, and considering their individual concerns and needs – especially if each has a different body type or modesty preference.
As long as you do that, it doesn’t matter who picks the dresses.
Con: They might pick one you don’t like.
Pro: They’ll feel confident and beautiful on the big day.
Of course, there’s a good possibility one or more of your girls will pick a dress you don’t really like.
Maybe the lace is too much for your tastes, or they opted for a full skirt when you pictured them in form-fitting.
Is it okay to ask them to pick something else?
Yes and no.
Of course, some concerns are perfectly valid, like showing way too much cleavage. Sometimes you gotta reign that one wild friend in, so your grandmother doesn’t faint.
Other aspects, however, might be things you’ll have to suffer about in silence.
If you want specific things, like all the girls being strapless or picking the same kind of fabric, establish these guidelines before they go shopping, not after.
Be as specific about your vision as possible – and, if you don’t know exactly what you want them to wear, just tell them what you certainly don’t want.
But if the time for that has passed, you might be stuck with the dresses they bought, or have to foot the bill for a replacement yourself.
It’s a good idea to have each girl send you a photo of what they found (preferably of them wearing it, versus a Photoshopped mockup online) before they buy, so that you can change things as needed.
You should also consider why a bridesmaid chose the dress she did.
Is she busty? Maybe spaghetti straps appealed to her because she doesn’t want to hike up a strapless dress all night. Boob spillage is oh, so real.
Has she just had a baby? It’s possible she hates the thought of a form-fitting dress because she’s got extra weight or loose skin. It happens.
The important part is that each girl feels beautiful in her dress.
Unless it’s wildly inappropriate, or so hideous you just can’t ignore it, compliment her choice and move on.
If nothing else, think about how genuine her smile will look in all the photos, because she’s wearing something she feels great in.
Con: Finding the right color can be tough.
Pro: Variegated colors can look incredible (when done right).
Many brides choose to give their girls a specific color swatch to match. Instead of “get a light blue dress,” they hand them each a scrap of fabric in an exact shade of robin’s egg blue, then tell them to have at it.
The problem? It can be hard to match colors that exact.
Some stores, like David’s Bridal, offer every dress style in basically any color. If you pick a swatch from them and give it to your girls, there’s a really good chance they’ll all find exactly what they want in the same color.
What’s more, David’s Bridal will often custom-order the dress in that exact shade if you can’t find one in-store.
If you’re forgoing the chain stores and letting your bridesmaids shop anywhere, then it might be best to simplify. Either pick a common color and look, like “little black dresses,” or go broader.
Blue, green, pink – any color, in fact – can look absolutely incredible when each girl is in her own shade. They look unified, as with matching dresses, but also unique.
This usually works best, however, when each dress isn’t too different. They don’t have to be identical or in a perfect gradient, just not complete opposites.
If one girl’s in a formal, floor-length, baby blue gown, she’s going to stick out like a sore thumb in a lineup of three other girls wearing navy cocktail dresses.
If you go with this variegated or “ombre” look, have your bridesmaids collaborate with one another.
They’ll be able to compare fabric sheens, dress lengths, and make sure their colors look good in a lineup.
Con: Some bridesmaids procrastinate buying their dress too long, when left to their own devices.
Pro: It might be easier to find last-minute options.
This is a very frustrating scenario for any bride.
You give your girls plenty of notice to order their dresses. You might send them friendly reminders about deadlines.
Some brides even offer financial help, if they know a girl is low on funds.
And yet, too often, one girl still doesn’t have her dress on time.
Odds are, this isn’t the first time your bridesmaid has done something like this. It’s usually a lifelong procrastinator, or the friend who’s always late.
(As the resident procrastinator in my group, I feel like it’s okay to say that. I know myself. I’ve embraced it.)
Point is, you may or may not be surprised when the girl finally admits to you that she hasn’t ordered her dress.
Now what? Fortunately, this flaw in the pick-your-own-dress plan is also a strength.
If your girls are doing basic colors like black, or variegated shades (like all different shades of blue), then it should be fairly easy to take the bridesmaid to the mall and find her something—anything—that will work.
With identical dresses, things get considerably harder. You’ll be hard-pressed to get it in time or track another down.
On the other hand, that bridesmaid will have a harder time procrastinating when shopping in a group setting, and with the dress already chosen for her.
All in all, let’s call this one a wash.
Con: You’ve got a specific “look” in mind for your big day, and this ain’t it.
Pro: Each girl’s personality will ring true—and you can’t buy that look.
I get it, because I’m all about the aesthetics of things: how they look, feel, and function as a whole.
Your wedding has a certain vibe, and you’ve spent months imagining it down to the last detail.
Then one of your bridesmaids shows you her dress, and it’s so not what you expected.
Maybe there’s nothing even wrong with the dress, other than the fact it isn’t your style.
It’s possible you’ve changed your mind about each girl wearing something different, so now you’re thinking matching is the way to go.
Bottom line, unless the dress has some glaring flaw that would definitely clash with the wedding (again, like too much cleavage), you’ll probably have to deal, or offer to foot the replacement yourself.
Exception: if nobody’s bought anything yet, then changing your mind is okay. Ditto if the dresses were really cheap ($30, for instance), or an outfit they can wear elsewhere.
Failing that, try to find that bridesmaid’s personality in the dress she’s chosen. A big, flowy frock is just so fitting for that princessy friend, isn’t it? Or a sleeveless one for the friend who loves displaying her tattoos?
Picture your girls in their dresses, each laughing, having fun, and feeling beautiful. You may not love their dress – but you will love those smiles.
And years down the line, that’s what you’ll see first in the photos.
No Matter What, Give Your Girls Some Say
Yes, it’s your choice – but it’s their bodies the dress will go on, and their money that will buy it.
You want them to be happy with the dress, no matter who picks it, right?
Chat with all your girls. Separately is okay, but in a group is best, if possible. Take them to lunch or start a group text.
If you’re picking the dress, ask them these two questions:
- What styles are a definite “no” for each of you overall: strapless, short, low-cut?
- What is your budget? (Tell them they can message you privately on this; money can be a sensitive subject.)
If they’re picking the dress, ask yourself three questions before you talk to them:
- Is there a specific color I want them to wear, and if so, where can it be found?
- Are there any styles I want them to stay away from?
- Is there any unifying element the dresses should have (for example: cap sleeves, dress length)?
Once the specifics are sorted out and everyone has gotten some input, dress shopping will be much, much easier—for all of you.
Conclusion: To Match, or Not to Match?
So, which is best? Matching bridesmaid dresses, or mixed? Leave it up to the bride entirely, or every girl for herself?
This is something that comes down to who you are as a person, and what your bridesmaids prefer.
Are you take-charge, decisive, and a little particular? Are most or all of your girls having trouble deciding?
If the answer is “yes” to either question (or both), you should pick.
Or is the opposite true – where you’re the indecisive one, overwhelmed by options (or just don’t have the time), so your girls are fine taking the initiative?
If so, let them choose, with the parameters you set.
Personally, I love the idea of each girl getting her own dress. It’s what I told my girls to do, in fact.
…of course, they all ended up picking the exact same dress anyway, but still.
They each loved it. They each looked beautiful, and they were all comfy and confident at my wedding.
And when I look at my photos, that’s what I see: them smiling and having a good time.
It’s funny—I don’t even notice the matching dresses.
