Most couples debate eloping at some point, when wedding planning gets too stressful.
And most don’t do it, either because they realize they still want a big, traditional wedding…or because their loved ones will be livid.
If you’ve decided to elope, chances are some friends and family aren’t happy about it. And they haven’t been shy about telling you, either.
What gives? Why do people get so offended when a couple decides to elope—and what can you do about it?
Why Do People Care That You’re Eloping?
- They’ve got wedding FOMO (fear of missing out) by not being there.
- No one likes to feel excluded. Plus, they genuinely want to support you on your wedding day, and think physically being there is the only means to do so.
- If it’s another bride or newlywed, they might be jealous.
- Weddings are stressful, expensive, and exhausting. Fellow brides might criticize your choice to elope because they feel trapped in their own choice to have a big or traditional wedding.
- They’re taking your decision as criticism of their decisions.
- People often assume that if you choose Option B when they chose Option A, it’s like you’re saying “Option A isn’t good enough,” rather than, “Option A just wasn’t right for me.”
- It’s not you; they’re just nosey or controlling.
- Some folks really can’t live and let live. They believe their way to live is the only way—and they can’t stand you carving out your own path.
What to Say to Elopement Criticisms or Hurt Feelings
No matter the reason people are mad you’re eloping, realize it usually comes from a place of concern or hurt feelings. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept the criticisms, backhanded comments, and snark.
Here are some retorts when people criticize your elopement.
1. “It’s our wedding, our marriage, and our decision.”
Sometimes people need the cold, hard reminder: this isn’t their wedding.
It’s yours, and only you and your spouse-to-be are involved.
Even if someone else is footing your wedding bills, that doesn’t give them authority to call all the shots. Either their gift is truly a gift—free of strings and conditions—or it’s not worth accepting.
2. “Your lack of physical presence at our wedding doesn’t have to dictate your emotional support of our marriage, you know.”
In other words: call them out for not supporting your choice, and hold up a mirror to just how silly they’re being.
Friends and family are supposed to your village, and a source of strength and encouragement. Point out that, so far, they’re off to a rocky start in that department.
Bottom line, they don’t have to be at your wedding to be there for you during your marriage.
3. “Would you like to pay for a ‘real’ wedding, then? Since it’s so important to you and all.”
Money talks—and if family members or friends keep blowing up at you over your choice to elope, make them back it up with their wallets.
Chances are, most of them will swiftly bite their tongues.
4. “This kind of butting in, scrutiny, and drama is exactly why I’m eloping.”
You’ve probably got a host of reasons you’re eloping: finances, mental health, timing, etc. But avoiding wedding planning headaches and drama is likely a reason, as well.
So call it out, and highlight to the offended person just how childish they’re acting.
5. “We’ve made our choice and will not be taking input. Thanks.”
Unless you want their input, shut the forum down early: make it known your decision is final. If you don’t, you’ll get people commenting and trying to convince you for weeks.
It might feel harsh not to let them speak, but you’re just setting a fair boundary. This isn’t their decision to speak on.
6 Compromises When People are Mad or Upset You’re Eloping
Don’t compromise and give up your elopement just because someone’s mad or their feelings got hurt. That isn’t your responsibility.
Contrary to what those naysayers might tell you, you didn’t “do this to them.” It’s your decision. They’re choosing to let it impact how they feel, which isn’t your problem.
That said: maybe you’re having doubts if elopement is right for you. Or you do want family and friends there after all, or some elements of a traditional wedding—just not all of them.
If that’s the case, read on for some middle-ground options that can make elopement easier.
1. Elope now, but have a big reception later.
There’s no law that a reception has to immediately follow the ceremony. It can happen hours, days, months—yes, even years—after the fact.
While I enjoyed riding the “happiness high” of getting married and then jumping right into celebrating, it’s also a little overrated. That adrenaline makes the reception pass so quickly, and you feel like you can’t truly take in all the details. Delaying the reception a bit gives you time to absorb the “we’re married” element, and stretches out the excitement.
Additionally, elopement now and reception later gives you an easier financial timeline to work with. You can save a little to elope, then take your time saving for the reception.
It also saves you money, not having a larger and more elaborate ceremony tacked on.
2. Invite key friends and family to join your elopement.
If the people who are mad or upset you’re eloping are your best friends and closest family members—and you truly want them present—consider inviting them to attend.
Such a select circle eliminates high expenses and stress, but still gives you that “celebrating with loved ones” feeling.
3. Alternatively, don’t invite anyone to your elopement.
Sometimes, having any guests is the problem. People’s feelings get hurt that you invited some friends but not them, or that family member but not this one.
Again, it’s your decision; you don’t owe “fairness” to anyone here. But you might have trouble culling the list down—inviting one cousin makes you feel obligated to invite all of them. Or one person from your friend group translating into the entire group.
Before you know it, inviting enough people to make things “fair” quickly turns elopement into…well. A traditional ceremony!
Eliminate this headache by cutting the entire guest list. Witnesses, the officiant, and you and your spouse are all the company you really need to elope, after all.
And “no guests at all” is actually as fair as it gets, when you think about it.
4. Have a small, intimate wedding instead.
Yes, too many guests at an elopement turns the event into a traditional (albeit small) wedding. But maybe that’s what you really want, after all.
If the thought of a small or simple ceremony brings you just as much peace as eloping—go for it. You can still include as many “elopement elements” as you want: a far-flung destination, a non-traditional dress, no cake or reception…it’s entirely up to you.
Do keep in mind that a reception is to thank your guests for attending your ceremony, however, so keeping that part will show your gratitude. You can still accomplish this with a small party, or a simple hotel dinner afterwards.
5. Hire a professional videographer to capture your elopement.
Frankly, this is a great idea even if no one is mad or upset you’re eloping!
Yes, it’s a hefty expense. You might’ve intentionally forgone a photographer in favor of cheaper alternatives. But with all the other expenses an elopement cuts from the budget, see if you can swing a pro for at least some photos.
A professional videographer (and/or photographer) will document your wedding in beautiful, vivid detail. Not only will loved ones who got upset you eloped be able to share in the experience later, but you’ll have the memories forever.
6. Don’t compromise at all—this is your day, not theirs.
Lastly, we come full-circle: you can choose not to compromise at all, and double-down on your decision to elope.
Reflect on why you’re even debating the choice. Is it because you aren’t sure it’s what you want, or because your spouse has some misgivings? If so, finding a compromise is totally valid.
If you realize you’re only waffling because people’s feelings are hurt, however, or because you hate people mad at you—maybe it’s not your wedding you need to change. Maybe it’s your ability to set personal boundaries. Especially emotional ones.
Remember: you are not responsible for others’ emotions.
While we should obviously apologize when we hurt people, that applies to situations that they have a right to be hurt over. Your wedding is not one of those times.
Go Ahead and Elope—People Will Get Over It
To sum up, there are tons of reasons family or friends get mad or mopey that you’re eloping. Some are valid, like just wanting to celebrate with you. Others aren’t—like being jealous you won’t deal with the same wedding headaches they did.
Valid or not, however, they aren’t your reasons. And yours are the only ones that matter when it comes to your wedding day.
You can shut down criticisms quickly. Remind loved ones it’s your decision, not theirs, and hold firm to that boundary. You can even call their bluff: ask if they want to foot the bill for what they deem a “real” wedding!
On the other hand, you might decide to compromise with a reception later on, or inviting important guests to join the elopement.
Whatever you decide, do so because you truly want it. Not to pacify others.
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Are you considering elopement, or a micro-wedding with very few guests? Share your challenges and stories below!
