For most of my life, I never dreamed I’d have kids outside of marriage.
Then, six weeks after I got engaged, I found myself staring at something new…and blue: a positive pregnancy test.
We were young. We had school to finish and careers to start.
And we hadn’t even lived together yet—I’d been living in a dorm my entire adult life, up until that point. My fiancé was living with a guy who we’re still pretty sure was dealing drugs, in what could barely qualify as an apartment.
On top of all that, we had a wedding to plan.
“Stressed” doesn’t begin to describe whatever I felt. Even “anxious” would sell it short.
I had actual panic attacks, thinking about how quickly my Big Life Plan, every milestone spaced throughout my twenties in perfect increments, was now ruined.
Then I had my first child. And my mind—and my life—changed completely.
Baby Carriage Before Marriage: Why Forgetting Tradition Can Still Work
Here’s the thing: as long as there have been humans, there have been traditions.
And, as long as there have been traditions, there have been people who went against them.
Sometimes it’s intentional, usually not. There is a reason traditions exist: in the case of marriage-before-baby, the reasons are twofold.
- Many religions believe that premarital sex is a sin, and that it’s wrong to have children outside of wedlock. We won’t get into that here; to each his or her own.
- There is a certain “commitment hierarchy” involved. Marriage is a commitment, as is a child – but marriages can end. Parenthood does not. You become linked to the child’s other parent until the end of time, no matter what happens, whether you choose it or not. You’re responsible for this little life—together.
By choosing to commit to each other forever, you can (ideally) learn to coexist and live as partners before a new life joins your home.
So yes—marriage before children is probably best. I know it was much easier for us to have our second than our first, and while part of that was being old hats at this baby thing, a bigger part was that we’d learned how to be husband and wife.
Before, when we had our first, we were fiancé and fiancée.
Our lives were still separate, for the most part. We had our own debit cards, our own residences, our own insurance; we still had date nights and slept in our own beds half the week.
Add a baby to the mix, and we had a lot to learn in a very short time: how to live, love, and parent together. And it wasn’t easy.
But it wasn’t impossible.
Somehow, we did it—and I believe if we could, anyone can do the same.
Ignore the Naysayers (There Will Be a Lot)
During my baby shower, my fiancé came home at the tail end of the party and commented on the wonderful gifts we received. His great-aunt (who’s as extra as an old woman can possibly be) stood up, wine in hand, and announced that she was going to marry us “right then and there.”
Now, she is ordained and allowed to perform weddings, so that part wasn’t too weird.
But more than a few other things about it were strange, if not downright inappropriate:
- She was clearly inebriated, in no shape to marry anyone.
- We were in no shape to get married. My fiancé was in basketball shorts, eating beef jerky. I was sweating profusely and trying to keep down juice and crackers, because pregnancy makes me sweaty and sick.
- This woman had seen my fiancé maybe ten times in his life. In fact, she had only met me that afternoon.
- She knew we were planning our wedding for after the baby was born.
- She had offered this “gift” once already, and we had politely declined.
And, last but not least: she tried to convince us by saying, “I refuse to let my first great-great-nephew or niece be born a bastard. It’s just not right. I won’t let it happen.”
Let me tell you…that’s the wrong thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Thankfully (before I could scream at her), my fiancé shut her down firmly and told her to butt out of our lives. It was our business as to when we got married, or if we got married at all, for that matter.
Shut Down the Rude Questions
If you’re pregnant and unmarried, you’re going to get a ridiculous amount of ridiculous questions.
Everyone will voice an opinion on whether or not you get married, when and where you do it, when you should move in together—there’s no way to stop it from happening.
But you can stop it from happening with the same people, multiple times.
Standing your ground isn’t easy. In fact, I was really terrible at it until I had kids.
But being pregnant and unmarried made me realize some people just have to be told, point-blank, “This is how it is. Now kindly shut your mouth.”
Don’t get me wrong: I love my friends and family. Most of the time, I welcome their advice and, if they make good points, I seriously consider whatever they’ve told me.
But when it came to our premarital parenthood—the good points were few and far between.
It was pretty much exclusively older relatives doing this, but a few friends our own age, as well. All of those people thought we were crazy, immoral, naïve, etc., for deciding to postpone our wedding until after the baby was born.
One friend even said we were “stupid for not being more diligent with protection.”
I won’t name names, but let’s just say I knew for a fact she’d forgotten “diligence” herself, once or twice. Or thrice. But moving on.
When Ignoring the Haters Doesn’t Work
If turning the other cheek to criticisms doesn’t make them stop, try one of the following:
Criticism: “It’s just wrong to have children out of wedlock.”
Response: “I don’t share the same belief as you. This child will bless our family, whether its birthday is before or after our anniversary. Please do not bring the subject up again. I can respect your belief, but I’d like you to respect mine, in turn.”
Criticism: “Just get the wedding out of the way! You won’t have any time or money for it after you’re married.”
Responses: “By that logic, I won’t have any time or money to enjoy my pregnancy and prepare for the baby’s arrival if I have the wedding before the birth. To me, that sounds like poor prioritizing.”
“We have a financial plan worked out—but I’m not willing to share it with anyone, since it’s our business. Thank you for understanding.”
Criticism: “You should just go to the courthouse.”
Response: “While courthouse weddings are fine, that isn’t our personal preference. We’re having a ceremony that reflects our tastes, and a reception for our loved ones to celebrate the commitment we’re making as we begin our family. I hope you’ll attend, no matter where it takes place.”
Criticism: “You’re getting married before the baby? You’re wasting money!”
Response: “We’re budgeting for both the wedding and the baby, because these are two very important events in our lives. Just because they’re happening close together doesn’t mean we can’t make it work. Please don’t make assumptions about our finances.”
This isn’t even half of what you’ll encounter—and probably not nearly as salty as you’ll feel like being, in the moment. Trust me: been there.
But the advantage of responses like these are that you sound far more rational and mature than the naysayer, which in itself can shut down their argument.
You also address their concerns, perhaps even thanking them; this lets them know that you hear what they’re saying, even if you disagree.
For parents or future in-laws, this can be crucial. They probably mean well, and are criticizing out of fear. This is especially true if you’re also getting married while you’re young.
Letting them know you’re listening might assuage their worries or doubts, even if you don’t take the advice.
And lastly, ending with a firm and clear request that they stop their criticism leaves no room for misinterpretation.
(Of course, some people just won’t shut up, no matter what you tell them…but you can probably figure out a few choice words to tell them by yourself.)
Bottom line, it’s no one’s business but yours as to when you’ll get married. Make sure they know that.
Should We Get Married Before the Baby Comes?
Again, that’s totally your call. Personally, I’m in the why-not-wait camp.
The way I see it, the baby is on a clock. When it’s ready, it’s getting born, one way or another.
Your wedding isn’t on a clock. It might feel like there’s some big rush around it, or a looming deadline to do it “before it’s too late”—but there isn’t.
Even things like deposits you’ve already paid, while important, shouldn’t dictate your decision if you just aren’t ready.
For us, the choice was pretty easy. We didn’t have money to have a baby and a wedding at once, so we waited a year and some change to tie the knot.
I also didn’t want to be pregnant going down the aisle—not that there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, I’ve seen some absolutely stunning pregnant bridal photos that almost make me question my choice.
(Notice I said “almost.” You know how some women stay in shape their entire pregnancy, with nothing but that little basketball tummy? Yeah. Not me. I made the right call.)
Will Having Kids Before Marriage Ruin Our Lives?
No.
No, nah, nope, hell no.
Will it make things harder?
Eh…maybe. Actually, yes.
But being married before you have kids is no indication of what kind of parents you’ll be. The hard part is learning to be “newlyweds” (if you’ve never lived together or combined finances before) while navigating the tumultuous waters of new parenthood.
Parenthood is hard, period. Marriage is hard, period.
Doing them close together is doubly hard.
But doing them out of order doesn’t really make much of a difference, if you ask me. I’m sure we can all point to some lackadaisical parents who waited until marriage to touch each other; we can probably all point to some incredible, unmarried parents, too.
Benefits of Kids Before Marriage
Yes, you read that right. But no, it’s not as long a list as I’d like it to be.
The fact is, there aren’t many “benefits,” per se, of having children before you’re married. But there aren’t many negatives, either, because it’s not an inherently good or bad thing—sometimes, it’s just how life happens.
And when life happens, I like to look on the positive side.
1. Your kids can take part in your wedding.
Our child was in our ceremony, and it was wonderful. Our union didn’t feel like two people getting married; it felt like announcing to the world, “Yes, we’re a family.”
We’d already been one, of course, but the ceremony held so much meaning for us because of that. It just had this feeling of…finally.
It’s also great to have your kids involved if you and/or your spouse have children from previous relationships, for the same reason: you’re blending your families together, officially.
2. You might spend way less on the wedding.
Not only might you have less money (kids are expensive and all that), but it’s likely you won’t even want to spend more.
We didn’t budget and prioritize spending until we became parents…because until then, we didn’t have to. So when it came time to budget for the wedding, we were able to cull things way down. We’d grown used to it, by then.
I’m not sure I would have been able to forgo a photo booth or giant wedding cake, had we gotten married as DINKs (double income, no kids).
3. One tradition down—let’s break some more.
This might only be true for me, but once I’d broken the tradition/social expectation of only having kids in wedlock, it was so much easier to break more!
I looked into pink wedding dresses, elopements, venues like breweries—the possibilities felt truly endless, because I no longer cared if my wedding was traditional. The pressure was off.
I’d done one “Big Life Event” my way—becoming a mother—so why not this? We chose a field and barn instead of a church, had a friend officiate, and swapped the Bridal March for a Bruno Mars song.
It was perfect—and it was true to us.
Use this as an opportunity to explore who you are, what you want, and whether or not certain traditions are right for you.
The “Wrong” Order Can Still Turn Out Perfectly Right
I think the hardest part of kids before marriage (besides planning a wedding with a kid underfoot) is if, like me, you originally planned on waiting a few years for kids.
It’s funny to think about, now. If my “big life plan” had panned out, I would have one child right now, age 4.
I have three kids now, and the oldest is almost 13. I feel like I’ve been doing this mom thing so long, I could do most of it in my sleep. And sometimes I do.
Accidental motherhood is kind of like getting pushed into the pool instead of jumping on your own. You’re still cold and wet. It’s still fun. It’s still that weird mix of scary and exciting.
But, in the end, you do the exact same thing, either way: push off from the bottom, and head to the surface.
You swim. You learn.
I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything. I know everyone says that, but God, it’s so true. Sometimes I just hold them and think…even if everything else I have went away, money, the car, our home…I’d be all right. As long as I had them.
Do I wish we’d been a little older before we had them? Sure, sometimes.
Okay, a lot. But it has nothing to do with the “correct order” to do things.
Every now and again, I wish we’d steadied our careers and finances. I wish we’d purchased a home.
I wish we’d lived on our own for a year or so, just the two of us, before we had another mouth to feed.
But then I look around, and I stop wishing.
My husband and I have a pretty unique opportunity in front of us. When our kids move out, and we’re left with our empty little nest, we’ll get that part of my “plan” we missed out on.
We’ll get to learn what it’s like living together, just us. It will be the first time we have a house to ourselves, empty rooms to use however we like—income to enjoy like all our DINK friends did in their 20s.
We get to be newlyweds, all over again.
So don’t stress over timelines and traditions. Children, like marriage, are a wonderful blessing and manifestation of love—no matter when they happen.
Even if it’s harder, in no way does that mean it’s impossible.
Were you a mom before you were a wife? Share your story below!
