The worst has happened: your maid of honor just quit your wedding.
What now?
There are ten things to tackle once your MOH exits the bridal party to ensure the transition goes as smoothly as possible—not just for the wedding, but for you, as well.
First, Determine Why Your Maid of Honor Quit
Your maid of honor’s reason determines what steps to take next. If it’s a friendship fall-out, one that isn’t likely to recover—some of the items in this next section won’t make sense.
But if the reason is neutral to your friendship, like tight finances or pregnancy that limits her travel options, there are compromises, solutions, and steps to cushion the impact on your wedding…and your friendship with the ex-MOH.
Ask your maid of honor to be honest about why she’s stepping down. Assure her it’s not because you’ll try and persuade her not to, unless a truly viable compromise comes up that both of you agree to.
Most of the time, the maid of honor’s reason for quitting is obvious to the bride. Rarely does this occur without a big blow-up preceding it.
But other times, maids or matrons of honor drop out of the wedding for personal reasons.
If that’s the case, approach this conversation with tact. Acknowledge and appreciate that your MOH may not want to quit; she just feels it’s her only option.
10 Crucial Tasks When Your Maid of Honor Drops Out of the Wedding
1. Don’t appoint a new maid of honor (not officially, anyway).
Again, this and many of the following steps depends on why your MOH dropped out.
If the friendship is ending with her MOH role, then you might want to appoint a new maid of honor anyway. That’s a personal call.
But in most cases—especially if the maid of honor dropped out for a good reason—naming a new MOH will not solve your problems. It’ll create more of them.
Passing the title to someone else can make both your former maid of honor and new one feel too replaceable. Not just in your wedding, but in your life.
Ultimately, you’ll harm both friendships by naming a new maid of honor.
Instead, tell your “new candidate” that you would appreciate her taking on the responsibilities of the MOH, split amongst herself and the remaining bridesmaids. But, out of respect for your former maid of honor, you don’t want to change her title.
The “split” part is critical, here. It’d be unfair to give a bridesmaid all the responsibility without the MOH title, similar to getting a promotion at work without a new job title and pay bump.
But dividing the work evenly amongst your girls, with one serving as the “go-to” or point person now and then, is an ideal compromise in this less-than-ideal situation.
2. If her reason was solid, work on forgiveness.
Your maid of honor can’t help if she’s pregnant and due close to your wedding, making her unable to fly in for the festivities.
Finances being tight when she loses a job? Out of her control.
And even some issues that could be in her control—for example, her claiming money is tight when in reality, she’s got a spending problem—boil down to more complicated problems than meet the eye.
The point is, some maids of honor drop out of the wedding because they have to. Not because they want to.
Work on forgiving your MOH and preserving your friendship, moving forward. Some tips to do that:
- Try to view the situation through her eyes.
- Realize this wasn’t an easy choice for her to make.
- Remind yourself that forgiveness usually takes repetition; you’ll have to “do it over” each time you get mad or upset again, until it sticks.
Personally, I think working on forgiveness is wise even if your maid of honor dropped out for an awful reason. Or even if the friendship has ended.
It’ll take time, of course, but forgiveness benefits yourself more than the other person—it’s hard work carrying around a grudge.
3. Let yourself be mad, upset, or frustrated for a little while.
Speaking of forgiveness and grace, extend yourself some, too!
It’s okay to be angry, sad, or flustered when your maid of honor quits your wedding. In fact, it’s perfectly normal to feel all those things at once.
This is a logistical nightmare; bridesmaid duties have to be re-delegated, wedding portraits rearranged, etc.
It’s also an emotional punch, one that’s tough not to take personally. It might make you question the entire friendship, or your ex-MOH’s loyalty.
Rest assured, these feelings are fine. They don’t make you a bad friend, or a selfish person. They just make you human.
First, let yourself wallow in them for a while, when they’re fresh and overwhelming. Cry if you need to, or vent to your fiancé or a neutral friend (i.e., someone not also in the wedding party).
Then dust yourself off, and work on acknowledging the feelings as they arise later. Then, let them go.
It takes practice, but releasing negative feelings after the initial shock wears off will help you forge ahead, and prevent bitterness down the road.
4. Avoid talking badly about her to the other bridesmaids.
As mentioned previously—don’t vent to the other bridesmaids, if you can help it. And certainly don’t badmouth the former MOH to them.
Even if they all had problems with her, or even if they’re the ones to start the conversation.
Why? Because this creates an invisible theme of “taking sides.” It may unfairly pit bridesmaids against the former MOH, when they aren’t privy to her personal reasons.
And ultimately, it can lead to an “you’re either with me or against me” feeling: the subconscious vibe that if a bridesmaid isn’t living up to her role, or can’t, she’s automatically on your bad side.
It sounds dramatic, but I’ve seen it happen. It erodes friendships and trust in an insidiously subtle way.
At best, it spreads negativity in your wedding party—and that leads to less productivity and fun as your event gets pulled together.
5. Divide the MOH duties among your remaining wedding party.
All that said, you will have to inform your other bridesmaids that the maid of honor has backed out.
When that happens, her duties need to be divided amongst the rest of your girls. What those entail, exactly, depends on your wedding style and what the MOH had previously agreed to.
At a minimum, you’ll need a bridesmaid to hold your bouquet and vows at the altar, and possibly the groom’s wedding ring.
Someone else will have to make her speech (unless the MOH is still attending the wedding as a guest, in which case she might love the honor of giving a toast!)
Other MOH jobs might include:
- Keeping a list of your gifts and who gave them at your bridal shower.
- Spearheading the shower and bachelorette party plans.
- Any readings (poems, psalms, etc.) she was going to give during the ceremony.
Additional maid of honor tasks sometimes include directing guests to their seats at the reception, or serving as a de facto “day-of coordinator,” but I personally believe MOHs and bridesmaids shouldn’t do those things. Instead, hire someone. Bridesmaids aren’t staff, after all.
Whatever your MOH was supposed to be doing, write it down and make sure each task is assigned to another bridesmaid or hired out.
And try to divide the work as evenly as you can (see #1).
6. Don’t take the maid of honor dropping out too personally.
It’s tough to take this development as anything but a rejection, and that always hurts.
Especially painful is if your maid of honor dropped out because of a reason she’s pinned on you (whether it was true or not): the wedding becoming too expensive, bridesmaid drama, or a far-away destination change, for example.
Even understandable reasons, like pregnancy or job loss, can feel like personal rejections, however.
We may know logically this isn’t about us, but our feelings still sting. We can’t help but wonder, Why did this reason have to happen right now? Why during our wedding? Even if we know these thoughts are flawed and selfish, they can pop up intrusively—against our will. And they make us feel like awful people.
Fortunately, the same steps listed earlier for forgiving the ex-MOH extend to shielding your own feelings:
- Try to view the situation through her eyes—using logic, not emotion, to see things from her perspective.
- Realize this wasn’t an easy choice for her to make. She likely wrestled with it for weeks, and has cried her fair share of tears over it too.
- This, too, takes repetition. Just as forgiveness requires consciously choosing it, every time you get upset again…so does deflecting rejection. You’ll have to remind yourself frequently, “This isn’t about me.”
Overall, your maid of honor dropping out says less about you or your wedding, and more about her personal boundaries and abilities. And the more you can respect those, the less rejected you’ll feel.
7. Avoid paranoia that your other bridesmaids will quit too.
When the maid of honor drops out, it can trigger an intense wave of worry that everyone is going to quit.
For the most part, this paranoia develops if your MOH quit because of a reason she blamed on you (again, whether it was true or not).
If it wasn’t a fair or true reason, you might still worry the other bridesmaids secretly think the same thing. Are you asking too much of them or being bossy? Is your wedding getting too pricey for them to handle?
The list of possibilities rings in your head, driving you crazy.
This is doubly true if the MOH dropped out because you two got in a fight, or the friendship has ended.
You might worry the other bridesmaids will “take her side” and walk out on you.
Don’t let paranoia get the best of you. Quitting a wedding isn’t the common cold; it’s not contagious, sparing no victims. Bridesmaids who are debating dropping out will give signs beforehand—your friendship growing rocky, for example.
Acting skeptical of your bridesmaids all the time will breed distrust, resentment, and tension. In fact, it might get so bad that some do end up quitting, when they weren’t going to before, because they’re so tired of accusations or clinginess.
Rarely, however, the MOH leaving can spark others to do the same…if you really are at fault, after all. More on that below.
8. If you’re somehow at fault for the maid of honor quitting…own it.
We’re all human, and humans make mistakes.
If you reflect and find that your maid of honor’s reason for backing out might have some truth to it (or a lot of truth), own your mistake. Apologize to her.
And apologize to your remaining bridesmaids, as well. Then resolve to do better, and encourage their feedback if you start backsliding.
Common reasons brides drive away maids of honor and bridesmaids include:
- Going way over the initial budgets for travel, dresses, or parties.
- Acting entitled, demanding, or just plain bratty when directing their wedding party.
- Talking bad about people behind their back, or playing into drama.
- Treating their bridesmaids like photo props, instead of real people.
- Demanding bridesmaids change their appearance significantly (weight loss, for example).
- Forbidding bridesmaids from getting pregnant, cutting their hair, etc.
These sound extreme, but they happen. And worst of all, they can be hard to spot when you’re the one doing them.
If you don’t know whether or not you’re truly at fault, talk to your other bridesmaids. Ask them for total honesty, hurt feelings be damned. You need the truth, not sugarcoating.
Relay to them the reason your maid of honor said she quit—then ask them if they believe there’s some truth there. Even if they disagree, see if they can understand where the MOH is coming from.
This raw, unfiltered perspective will not tread lightly on your feelings, of course.
But it will help you grow and improve as a person, and as a friend.
9. Preserve the friendship with your ex-MOH (if you want to).
Depending on her reason for quitting, you and your former maid of honor might still have a friendship going. Even if it’s bruised or limping along, right now.
Work on nursing it back to health. Or, if the friendship is solid and she quit for other reasons, work on maintaining it: staying in touch, keeping her updated on wedding details, and making sure to ask about her life too.
Don’t assume that she’ll know you’re just busy with the wedding if contact drops off. Quite likely, she’ll worry the distance is due to her dropping out.
10. Modify her MOH role to keep her in the wedding, if possible—and if that’s what you both want.
Lastly, this final suggestion is for brides who know where there’s a will, there’s a way.
If your maid of honor wants to drop out of your wedding due to a reason that can be accommodated, ask if she’s open to brainstorming solutions or accepting your help.
For example, if finances are tight for her family right now, maybe she’d be comfortable letting you pay for her dress or travel. Perhaps there’s a more affordable bridesmaid dress she can wear, even if it’s different from the other girls’. (In fact, that’s pretty popular for MOH dresses!)
Or if she won’t have time to do the traditional MOH duties, maybe you can revisit Step 5—redistributing the work among the other bridesmaids, too.
They can help with tasks your maid of honor can’t tackle right now. If she has a work conference scheduled the same day as your bridal shower, for instance, the other girls can keep track of what gifts you receive, and from whom.
Keep in mind that your maid of honor might resist help or special arrangements, either due to pride, or because stepping down still seems easiest for everyone.
Alternatively, she might not be giving you the full story of why she’s quitting (example: saying it’s a lack of free time, when in reality it’s time and money that she’s short on, but she’s embarrassed to say so).
At any rate, if you’re both open to keeping her in the wedding party—you can find a way. It’s okay if her role is strictly titular, totally hands-on, or anywhere in between.
Above All Else, Don’t Panic If Your Maid Of Honor Quits
The most important advice here is, first and foremost, to stay calm. You can be upset, angry, or even anxious—but don’t let yourself outright panic. There are plenty of workarounds, solutions, and coping mechanisms when your MOH backs out of your wedding.
Bridesmaids can pick up the unfinished tasks, maid of honor roles can be modified as needed—and emotions, however unpleasant and intense they might be, can be managed.
True, the heartache of her decision will probably never go away completely. When a maid of honor quits, it feels like they’re rejecting that honor—and, sometimes, us.
But the hurt will fade and lessen, with enough time.
