There are two kinds of momzillas, in my experience: a mom taking over their child’s wedding because they truly mean well…and moms who do so because they’re toxic, controlling, or narcissistic.
It’s hard to know which is which, sometimes. When we grow up with parents who don’t respect our boundaries and feelings, we sometimes get so accustomed to that dynamic, we can’t even see it.
While some momzilla moves are just hallmarks of meddling (but well-meaning) mothers or future mother-in-laws, others are huge red flags.
If your mom or MIL checks some of these boxes, you might be dealing with a momzilla who’s taking over your wedding.
And if she does nearly all of these things? She might be straight-up toxic.
16 Boundary-Crossing Momzilla Moves to Watch Out For
1. She insists you choose the venue she likes best.
Obviously, some moms are just highly opinionated. I come from a long line of women who know what they like, myself.
But there’s a notable difference between strong personal preferences, and projecting them onto other people.
Your mom or future mother-in-law needs to respect your choices once they’re made, and that includes your wedding venue. Just because she prefers that pretty chapel to your dream beachfront ceremony, doesn’t mean she can’t shut up and agree it’s still beautiful.
2. She wants you to invite a ton of her friends and relatives.
This is a tricky one. If your mom or your fiancé’s mom (or fathers) are contributing financially to your wedding, yes: they get some say in who’s invited.
But not all the say. And certainly not half your guest list capacity.
If your mom keeps adding randos to your guest list, whether or not she’s footing some wedding bills—put your foot down. Communicate in advance, if possible, just how many people she’s allowed to invite.
And remember, you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to attend, no matter how close they are to your mother.
3. You have a feeling she’s going to wear white.
The ultimate momzilla move, wearing white to their child’s wedding is 100% a conscious decision.
In this day and age, there’s no excuse for it to happen by accident. Don’t believe her when she says it’s “champagne-colored” or “light taupe,” either. She knows what she’s doing.
More importantly, she knows she’s crossing a huge boundary and will get a reaction. That’s what narcissists want.
To be fair, maybe you don’t know ahead of time your mom or mother-in-law is planning on donning white to your wedding. But if you completely believe she could? That white ensemble is a red flag.
4. Her financial “gift” comes with serious strings attached.
It’s great when parents contribute money to the wedding budget.
It’s not great when they feel that gives them control over how you spend it, or as though they’re now a “partner” in wedding planning.
Obviously, some input is fair. If your mom pays for catering, it’s okay to give her a little say in what food gets served.
But at the end of the day, this is still your wedding and reception—not hers. If she’s insisting you go with her choices, invite whoever she wants, or keeps butting in with opinions you didn’t ask for…all the while reminding you of her monetary gift?
It’s not a gift at all. It’s a manipulation tactic.
True gifts don’t come with strings attached. They’re an act of love, and love is not conditional.
5. She criticizes every choice you make about your wedding.
Your mom might be a momzilla if she never has one positive thing to say about your wedding plans.
She hates your cake flavor. She rolls her eyes at your venue choice. The dress you picked has been picked apart by her, every chance she gets.
Yes, some mothers are just hyper-critical. But this is still toxic behavior. Healthy people who respect boundaries also realize that people—especially their kids—have their own preferences. They offer their 2 cents, but shut up when you put your foot down.
Momzillas do no such thing. In fact, they often criticize even more.
6. Every conversation turns into what she did for her wedding.
Every single time you bring up your wedding…she tells a story about her own. Not in a nostalgic way, either. It’s more of a dig at your decisions.
When you go with donuts for your dessert, she’ll wax poetic about how much guests loved her traditional three-tier wedding cake. If you set a budget of $20k, she’ll brag about how frugal her own ceremony was in contrast.
It just never ends. There’s always something she did differently—and, in her mind, better.
7. Your mother argues with your vendors until they cave (or fire you as a client).
Fiery, passionate moms are a blessing and a curse. We know we can always go to them for backup.
But this quality crosses the line when moms or mother-in-laws decide to fight battles we don’t want them fighting. Or when they turn things into battles that didn’t need to be.
For example, your mom might decide to bicker or flat-out yell at your vendors for every inconvenience.
The caterers get lowballed. The venue coordinator gets screamed at. Your mom is on a warpath, and pretty soon no one is returning your calls.
At the risk of sounding harsh: this one’s usually on you. Or your fiancé, if the momzilla in question is your future mother-in-law.
Cut her contact with your vendors and handle them yourselves. Yes, it’s tempting to pass problems to an “I’ve got this, honey” spitfire, and take the burden off our own shoulders.
But in doing so, we also erase boundaries around our own lives, and put way too much power in the wrong hands.
8. She bad-mouths your fiancé and won’t support your marriage.
Overbearing, controlling moms never miss an opportunity to point out what their children are doing wrong. And that includes their choice of partner.
Whether it’s your mom talking poorly about your fiancé, or your future mother-in-law criticizing you—it hurts. We all want to be accepted by our in-law families.
But it’s also infuriating, and downright childish.
Simply put, it’s not that hard to shut up when you don’t like something—or someone. Just because your mom doesn’t like your fiancé, or thinks you can do better, doesn’t mean she has to go around blurting those thoughts aloud.
Momzillas refuse to put their own feelings and opinions aside to support their children. Good moms do—even if it’s hard, and requires practice.
9. When you set boundaries, she tests them constantly.
Seeing a pattern in this list?
Momzilla moves are rarely limited to wedding planning. In fact, that’s the biggest sign your mom is taking over your wedding: it’s not new. She tries to take over every part of your life.
She monopolizes your time when you tell her it’s limited. She shows up at your house unannounced, when you’ve repeatedly told her not to.
You’ve asked her to stop criticizing, but she always manages to sneak a backhanded compliment into the mix, at best.
In other words: when you set boundaries, she tests them like a toddler trying to see what they can get away with.
10. She hates not being the center of attention.
Again, this isn’t limited to your wedding; it’s a pattern with her.
She fakes medical emergencies at baby showers and birthday parties. When you dare to take a break from communication, she pops up with a sudden problem that requires your help.
Maybe she’s known for wearing white at every family wedding out there, or crying the loudest at funerals when she barely even knew the person.
However she displays it, one thing is clear: she hates when the spotlight is on anyone but her.
Every event is, in her mind, an opportunity to pull attention to herself. And you’re realizing your wedding is no different.
It might be subtle, too. Maybe it’s not the entire party’s attention she wants—just yours. Or, if it’s your mother-in-law, she might be faking or exaggerating every inconvenience, trying desperately to pull your fiancé back to herself.
Usually, this is a classic sign of narcissism. She’s always in need of attention and reassurance, never admits wrongdoing, and plays the victim at every turn.
11. Her favorite past-time is stirring drama.
Often an extension of needing the spotlight, boundary-crossing moms adore drama—even more so when they cause it amongst others.
If you have a momzilla, this will infect your wedding too.
She’ll tell bridesmaids one of them is talking poorly about the other. She encourages fights and misunderstandings between you and your fiancé. Or she might enjoy throwing herself into the fire, and badmouthing family members to you—or vice-versa.
However it plays out, the effect is unmistakable. People just get along worse when your momzilla arrives.
Again, this is just plain childish. It’s also toxic, and can destroy not just your wedding, but your relationships with others.
12. Your mom acts like your wedding decisions somehow hurt her.
Momzillas love playing the victim. You getting married is a treasure trove of opportunities to act hurt, betrayed, or angry.
Maybe you didn’t invite her distant second-cousins she hasn’t seen since the 1980s, and whom you’ve never met. Or you told her that skimpy cocktail dress simply isn’t appropriate for a mother of a bride.
Hell, half the time it isn’t even a decision that impacts her. Momzillas can play victim over anything: your catering choices, the wedding date—the list is endless. And that’s how they like it.
Ultimately, your mom taking over the wedding is a just another form of narcissism and needing the spotlight.
But instead of wanting everyone’s attention, she may just want yours. Trouble is…she can’t get enough of it. Every time you dare focus elsewhere, she throws a tantrum to pull you right back.
13. She criticizes your future in-laws, or acts overly jealous of them.
Rarely, this is understandable behavior. Maybe your mom can’t afford to chip in for your wedding, while your future in-laws write checks left and right.
Or you’re just naturally closer to your fiancé’s parents than you are to her, for whatever reason.
But understandable or not, that doesn’t excuse her behavior. The feelings might be justified, but she’s still in charge of how she expresses them.
Badmouthing your fiancé’s parents, stirring drama or driving wedges between you and them, or pouting and playing the martyr every time you praise them are all momzilla moves.
It doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a narcissist or toxic, like some of the other items on this list. Maybe she’s just insecure, or afraid of losing you to your new family.
But it’s still immature behavior—and again, that is in her control.
14. She refuses to accept you don’t want her ring, dress, or lifestyle.
It’s common for moms to pass down their wedding dresses or family rings to their engaged daughters. And it’s also common for them to be upset if those things are turned down.
However, it’s not okay or acceptable if she keeps harping on them: insisting, over and over, that you make the same choices she did.
Again, this usually isn’t new behavior for her. Rarely do momzillas emerge solely for your wedding.
No, it’s a long-standing pattern: your choice of clothing or friends throughout school. What you studied in college, or what kind of career you have. Who you’re choosing to marry.
Unless it matches what she did, she refuses to understand or respect it.
15. You let her take over—because you don’t know how to stop it.
At the risk of blaming the victim, it’s worth pointing out that most momzillas take over wedding planning because we let them.
It’s not hard to see why, either.
If you’ve grown up in that dynamic, it takes a big event—like planning a wedding—to really see the relationship for what it is. You might be fully aware your mom is manipulative, but not “get” how bad it is until your fiancé points it out.
Or maybe you’ve always known she was critical, but assumed, somehow, she’d bite her tongue and just be happy for you during this huge life milestone.
However it happened, you let her cross boundaries, or failed to set them in the first place.
The good news? It’s never too late to start unraveling a toxic pattern.
This isn’t just about making her butt out of the wedding planning, either. Ultimately, enforcing boundaries with your mom or mother-in-law will dictate your entire relationship with her, moving forward. This is the start of a difficult—but necessary—journey.
And it begins with you, not her.
The book Boundaries is an excellent place to start. Learn to identify your mother’s manipulation tactics and boundary-pushing tendencies, and arm yourself with methods to stand your ground the next time she crosses a line.
16. She speaks on your behalf, even when you don’t ask her to.
Similar to the previous momzilla move, we might not even notice this one until someone else points it out for us.
Dynamics like these are hard to change, because they’re all we really know.
If your mom has always fought your battles or spoken up for you—or talked over you, when you try to find your own voice—it’s tough to make it stop. We might not like it, but we’re used to it. And it often feels easier to just let it ride.
But you owe it yourself, and your future spouse, to start the groundwork for that boundary now.
The next time your mom or mother-in-law speaks over you, or offers an opinion as though it’s yours, correct her.
Example: You’re dress-shopping with your mom, and she insists—in front of the staff and your bridesmaids—that you “don’t really love lace” and want a plainer fabric.
Maybe everything she’s saying true. Maybe not. Either way, it’s not her place to say so: it’s yours.
She might even request dresses for you to try on, or start weeding out choices on your behalf. When something like this happens, it’s the perfect chance to test your new boundary-setting skills.
Speak to the staff directly, not your mom. “Actually, my mom is mistaken. I like light lace on dresses. Would you mind bringing me a few options with that?”
Bypassing your mom not only reasserts yourself as the decision-maker, but serves as a clear signal to her that you don’t appreciate her speaking on your behalf.
How Can You Stop Your Mom or Future MIL from Taking Over Wedding Planning?
Admittedly, most of the above examples are bigger problems than you can’t solve in just a few months.
They’re lifelong or long-standing patterns, and will require serious work to fix. Some might even require you cutting contact with her.
But in the case of normal, not-toxic-just-annoying momzillas and MIL-zillas, there are some ways to get them out of your hair—and your wedding plans:
- Tell her directly to stop butting in. Sometimes, momzillas aren’t aware their input isn’t welcome. A firm and simple, “I hear your opinion, but this is my wedding” will do. Be prepared to repeat it a few times, however, until she gets the message.
- Give back her financial gifts unless she removes the strings. And tell her flat-out that’s why you’re giving the money back. You’d rather plan the wedding you want on a tight budget, than the one she wants on her dime.
- Refuse to discuss wedding plans with her anymore. The reason boundaries are hard to enforce is because, usually, the people who respect them the least are the ones you have to set them with. Try setting boundaries that are based off your behavior, not hers: instead of convincing her to keep her mouth shut about the wedding, simply refuse to talk about it with her anymore.
- If it’s your mother-in-law who’s butting in, have your fiancé talk to her too. Yes, most of this post has been about fighting your own battles and setting boundaries…but jurisdiction matters. Your fiancé has to set his own boundaries with his mom—and that includes laying down some rules about how she should treat his future wife.
Some Momzillas are Wedding-Only Annoyances; Others Are Forever
Again, it can be hard to tell if our moms mean well…or if they’re just straight-up toxic narcissists. Your mom might be taking over your wedding without realizing it—or she might know exactly what she’s doing.
The best way to tell if your mom’s controlling nature will stick around after the wedding is to look backwards, not forwards.
Has she done these kind of momzilla moves in the past, for other life events of yours? Does the thought of limiting contact with her feel like overkill…or does a small piece of you know it’s the right call?
Changing and breaking out of that dynamic with our moms is tough. We often see the red flags only once someone else points them out. And even then, we don’t always know how to change them.
If your mom means well, setting boundaries will be easier. She won’t always respect them—but she will try, sooner or later. Healthy moms know that if they don’t back down, they’ll lose you.
Toxic, controlling, or narcissistic mothers, however, double down when we keep enforcing boundaries. They throw fits like toddlers. They simply can’t stand when their control over you starts to weaken…and they’ll do anything to keep it.
______
Are you battling a momzilla or MIL-zilla? Share your experiences below!
No Comments