Previously, I wrote a post about whether or not it’s okay to kick out a bridesmaid.
Without a doubt, there are some perfectly valid reasons to remove a bridesmaid from the wedding party, or ask her to step down (you can check them out here).
But just for fun, let’s look at some invalid reasons to remove a bridesmaid from the wedding party.
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1. She got pregnant.
I’m not sure I’ll ever understand this one. I’ve seen it in bridal forums a hundred times: bridesmaid gets pregnant – sometimes by accident, sometimes by choice – and then the bride flies off the handle.
To be fair, it’s understandable to worry about her dress not fitting properly and needing a replacement. It’s also fine to worry about her health and ability to stand that long the day of the wedding.
What I’m referring to, rather, are the brides who lose their absolute minds over a pregnant bridesmaid.
Those brides aren’t worried. They might use that as the surface reason – but, deep down, they want her out because of selfish reasons.
Simply put, they want their bridesmaids to look identical. Perhaps they feel their thunder is being stolen. They need their bridesmaid to be at their beck and call, 24/7, for the foreseeable future.
I don’t even need to explain why these brides are ridiculous.
Basically, they want their friends and family to put their lives on hold. And that’s unreasonable, unfair, and unrealistic.
This invalid reason also applies to bridesmaids who get engaged or married during the bride’s engagement. What, so no one else is allowed to get married?
2. She gained/lost weight.
No. Just…no.
I’ve shared a story on here before of the worst wedding I was ever in, during which the bride called two bridesmaids fat. She made one so angry and upset, she quit on the spot.
I called the bride out – but not as firmly as I should have. I’ve regretted it ever since.
So maybe that’s why I’m adding this one to the list. There’s still so much salt there.
I want to shake every shallow bride out there by her shoulders and scream, “People gain weight. People lose weight. They are not props for your wedding photos. Get. Over. Yourself.”
Many brides justify kicking a girl out because of her weight by saying she can no longer fit in her dress, and there’s no time to order a new one/alter it.
I have three solutions for them:
- If the dress zips up the back, see if a corset can be added in time, or leave it unzipped and hide with a cardigan/wrap.
- Pick a different dress in a similar color.
- Have her wear an entirely different dress. If she really means as much to you as a bridesmaid should, it doesn’t matter that she won’t match: you simply can’t imagine her not standing up there with you. Period.
Sometimes, yes: it is the bridesmaid’s doing. Maybe she didn’t try her dress on at all when it arrived, or ordered it too small on purpose, hoping to use that as motivation to lose weight (note: don’t ever do this).
Even so, brides should approach the situation tactfully. The bridesmaid is probably upset enough as it is, and wants to find a solution as quickly as the bride does.
3. She cut or dyed her hair.
To repeat: bridesmaids. Are. Not. Props.
I wish every wedding planning site out there had this plastered at the top of each page in a bright, obnoxious flashing banner.
If a bridesmaid wants to change her hair, she doesn’t have to ask permission from anyone.
A good rule of thumb: never ask bridesmaids to do anything to their appearance that they can’t undo at the end of the night.
StayAtHomeBride.com
Exception to this rule: the bridesmaid dyed her hair a wild color out of nowhere (i.e., hot pink when she’s never worn a bright hair color in her life), or suddenly chose a shocking hairstyle.
However, notice my word choices: “out of nowhere” and “suddenly.”
If your bridesmaid radically changed her hair from a very mainstream look, sure: you have a right to be upset. Talk to her and see if she would mind toning it down a little, just for the wedding day. She might have planned to do so all along, anyway.
But if she’s always had alternative hairstyles? The bride just has to deal. She knew that when she picked her. Asking her to change is not fair.
Now, if she’s a very close friend or relative, you can ask—but still be prepared for her to say no. Try to have the conversation early, too, like when you ask her to join the wedding party.
A good rule of thumb: never ask bridesmaids to do anything to their appearance that they can’t undo at the end of the night.
Asking her to cover an offensive tattoo, for instance? Totally fine.
Forbidding her from getting any new tattoos? Not fine.
4. She can’t afford the bridesmaid dress.
The first wedding I was in, the bride originally wanted us to buy a $400 dress.
I remember it down to the last detail: beige, of all colors. Hideous lace. Floor-length…for a summer wedding. In the South. At noon.
The biggest issue, though, was that it was too expensive.
None of us could afford it, and we told the bride so. Our budgets were in the realm of $200, which she’d previously agreed to stick to.
She wasn’t happy with any of us, of course. Our solution: we offered to pay $200, our absolute maximum, and then she could pay the remaining $200 for each dress (for all 12 of us).
That changed her tune pretty fast.
She picked a different dress that was just under $200. It was still beige and too lacy—ugh—but at least our wallets could handle it.
If one or all of a bride’s girls can’t afford a dress, she can pick something else, pick up the tab herself, or work with each girl individually in order to find dresses that will work.
No one should have to go into debt to be a bridesmaid.
5. She can’t afford/doesn’t want to go on a 4-day bachelorette to Cancun.
No one should have to go into debt to be a bridesmaid. (Is there an echo in here?)
It still amazes me that some selfish brides just can’t get this concept. The one I was talking about earlier, who picked the crazy expensive dress? She didn’t get it, either.
“I’m spending ten thousand! So how do you think I feel? Four-hundred is nothing.”
She said this a lot, actually, whenever any of us flinched at her increasing demands. Everything was affordable, in her mind, because she was spending “so much more.”
Hey, um, about that? It’s your wedding.
6. She’s being a general pain in the ass.
One of my bridesmaids refused to help the others with basically anything.
She forgot the deadline to order her dress, which made us all panic until it arrived.
When I talked about wedding stuff, she didn’t care. Most of her attention focused on whether or not she’d be walking down the aisle with the cutest groomsmen.
Was it annoying? God, yes.
But did I consider kicking her out? Never.
This is my best friend in the world. I’ve known her my entire life – which means I also knew, from the moment I asked her to be a bridesmaid, that she’d act that way.
She’s forgetful. She also doesn’t plan parties. She doesn’t care about weddings, and has tunnel vision around cute guys. None of these things were news to me.
But I didn’t want her in my wedding because I thought she’d be a great bridesmaid.
I wanted her because she loves me, loves my husband, and supports our marriage.
She got on my last nerve at times, but at the end of the day, she was there for me when I needed her.
To be sure, sometimes bridesmaids raise hell and stir the pot. If it’s getting so bad your other girls want to quit, or you’re afraid your friendship with her will be ruined, it’s time to sit her down and talk.
But if she’s just being…well, herself, and getting on your nerves? Other than talking to her, there’s nothing you can do. In your wedding party—as in life—you’re stuck with her.
Being a Bridesmaid Should Be an Honor, Not a Burden
Brides can’t and shouldn’t change their bridesmaids’ personalities.
Brides can’t and shouldn’t change their bridesmaids’ appearances.
And – just as importantly – brides can’t and shouldn’t expect them to go into debt for their wedding.
Thankfully, these are undoubtedly obvious things to most brides. We love these girls, so we didn’t ask them to be in our wedding as clones, servants, ATMs, or props. We asked them because they’re important to us.
Still, there are some brides out there who just don’t get it. Maybe it’s temporary wedding craziness. Sometimes, though, it’s entitlement and selfishness that has been there all along.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. This list can’t account for every possible situation, and only the bride and bridesmaid in question know what’s really going on.
Overall, though, I think it’s safe to say these are all terrible reasons to kick out a bridesmaid. And I’m pretty sure most of us can agree on that.
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What’s the craziest reason you (or people you know) were kicked out of a wedding?
