Every single wedding I’ve been involved with had a lot of communication with the bride-to-be. The amount varied: some were just excited, sharing ideas several times a week. Others were low-key, texting maybe once a week at most—though it was still more than we usually talked.
One bride even had constant tasks for me to complete, like I was her personal assistant rather than MOH (but that’s another story).
But for each and every bride, after their weddings ended—the texts, calls, and other communication dropped dramatically.
For some, it was instant. Others were more gradual, usually after they got done sharing their wedding portraits, or us bridesmaids finished swapping memories—and some drama—from the big day.
No matter how it happened, I couldn’t help but be a little sad by that drop in contact. And with a couple brides, it made me downright angry: I’d given up hours of my life to make their big day a success. But they couldn’t manage a few texts here and there, just to stay in touch.
Why do some brides suddenly stop talking to us the second they’re married? Read on to find out why our newlywed friends suddenly go silent—and what you can do about it.
7 Reasons Why the Bride Is Reaching Out Less Now That Her Wedding Is Done
1. With the wedding over, she feels like she doesn’t have anything exciting to talk about.
If you’ve been married before, you might remember that pre-wedding feeling. There are constant to-do lists, nonstop choices to make, and the excitement (and headache) that came with planning.
And if you haven’t been married before, think about the last really big or exciting thing that happened in your own life. Chances are, it was your main topic of conversation for a long time!
The bride might have stopped texting, calling, or inviting you places like she did during wedding planning because she feels like, with all of that behind her, she doesn’t have anything worth texting or calling about. Opportunities to invite you places—dress shopping, hitting the craft store—either no longer make sense, or don’t naturally pop into her mind.
She might also feel like she bugged you too much during her wedding planning, and thinks you need a break from her.
2. She’s caught up in the whirlwind of newlywed life, or looking ahead to future milestones already.
So much talk and planning and energy goes into a wedding, we often forget that afterwards comes the real work: marriage.
Of course, the honeymoon stage got its name for a reason. Usually, those first few months of marriage are easier—but not always.
Your friend might be facing a challenging season in her marriage already, or even just the normal stress that comes with merging two lives.
She might have tunnel vision on her new spouse, eager to block out the rest of the world and just enjoy the fact the wedding, with all its craziness and stress, is finally over.
Alternatively, she might already be considering having kids, or even buying a house—eager to jump right into that next big milestone, full of its own kind of craziness, stress, and excitement.
No matter the exact reason, her sights are set elsewhere right now. And so is her attention.
3. She genuinely didn’t notice how much she was messaging you during the wedding, so this feels like business as usual to her.
Honestly, I think my friends would be shocked if I showed them how often they texted me about their weddings while they were planning them.
Not that I minded, of course (for most of them). And a lot of the time, I was hitting them up first, asking for updates on venue considerations or dress choices.
And truth be told, I might even be shocked at how much I texted my bridesmaids during my wedding planning, even though I kept the info I shared to a minimum. (I wasn’t soft-launching wedding details, at least not intentionally—I just got stressed talking about it all too much!)
Point is, it’s easy for brides-to-be to get carried away talking about their wedding plans.
Even if she’s aware her contact with you has dropped lately, she might think it’s just a little bit, because she wasn’t aware of how much she messaged you to begin with.
4. The wedding was the main (or only) thing you two had in common.
Rarely will you be asked to be a bridesmaid by someone you don’t know that well—but it does happen.
This is especially true of future sister-in-laws, but can also happen with friendships that used to be tight-knit, but have since fallen to the wayside until your friend got engaged.
You’ll probably know if this is the reason a bride is communicating less, though. It’ll feel…well, a lot like the communication level you had pre-engagement.
You can certainly let things return to the way they were if you’d like. However, you also have the option to try and keep that new connection going. You just have to find something else you two have in common.
Invite the bride out to lunch in the coming weeks or months, just to catch up. Ask about what’s going on in her life, and offer news about yours.
Keep talking long enough, and you’re bound to find more common ground.
And with the wedding in the rearview, sharing memories will be a great way to break the ice.
5. She’s mad, upset, or bitter towards you after some wedding planning fallout (that you might not even know about).
I hesitate to share this possible reason the bride has stopped talking to you, because I’m not looking to breed paranoia. However, it is possible—and more common than you’d think.
Of course, in a perfect world, the bride would simply tell you point-blank she’s irritated or upset at you. Best of all, she’d even tell you why: the fact you ordered your dress the wrong size and needed a last-minute substitution, maybe. Or that groomsmen you hooked up with at the afterparty following the reception. Maybe you got a little too tipsy before your big speech.
These are all extreme examples, in most cases. They’re also unlikely to be anything you’re unaware of, if something like this did happen!
The most likely culprits, in fact, are small grievances that piled up throughout the wedding planning process.
Some might even be valid. Did you complain about most of the choices your bride made, from your dress all the way to the flowers?
If so, you might have been a maidzilla. And that could’ve left a sour taste in the bride’s mouth about your friendship, because you weren’t respecting her choices.
The reverse can be true, as well: the bride is upset with you over ridiculous things—like how you (rightfully) refused to shell out $2k for her bachelorette weekend in Mexico—or small, petty stuff, like the fact you looked phenomenal in your dress, and she worried it pulled the focus off her.
Hopefully, it’s none of these things—and hopefully, your bride is mature enough to reach out and share her feelings.
(Unless you were a maidzilla, in which case, the burden’s on you to make first contact.)
6. You’re actually the one reaching out less, not her.
In the same way a bride can fail to notice how much she’s contacting you about wedding plans, it’s also possible you didn’t even notice how much you relied on it.
Instead of initiating contact with your friend, you fell into a familiar routine of waiting for her to reach out first—without even realizing it.
Take a minute to text or call her, or invite her to hang out. Tell her you want to hear all about how married life is treating her, then share updates of your own.
It might take a few tries to get back to your pre-engagement contact patterns. Not only has your usual topic of conversation been “wedding stuff” for who knows how long, but the usual initiation and volley patterns fell away during that time too.
The good news: once it clicks, you two should be right back to the way you used to be.
7. She was kind of using you.
Again, not to make anyone out there paranoid, but this does happen.
As one of 12 bridesmaids in a wedding party years ago, we were treated like staff. The bride assigned jobs to us well outside the realm of typical bridesmaid duties, such as cleaning up her venue (after setting the entire thing up). She talked down to us. When any of us dared to speak out, she trashed us to the other girls.
Unsurprisingly, none of the wedding party is still friends with her.
But what we learned during that wedding was that she was never really our friend. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have treated us that way.
Don’t worry: you’ll know if your friend used you. A few signs:
- She didn’t talk to you much before the wedding planning began, either. This current lack of contact is actually normal; the wedding was the anomaly.
- This isn’t new: she’s always been entitled or selfish. If you think back, chances are you can find other examples where she behaved similarly—just on a smaller scale.
- She asked ridiculous things of you throughout the engagement. These include tasks she should’ve hired out, huge bachelorette expenses, etc.
- Nothing you did was enough. And the more you did, the more and more she asked (or demanded) of you.
- She made you feel like garbage. Toxic, entitled people—brides or not—put a sour, gross feeling in the pit of your stomach. By the end of wedding planning, her name caused you anxiety, resentment, annoyance, anger…or all those things at once.
All in all, it’s a good thing this bride has stopped reaching out. Your eyes have been opened to a sobering truth about this girl: she’s selfish, entitled, and views friendship as a tool to gain what she wants.
How to Fix Things When A Newly-Married Friend Goes Radio Silent
Most of the time, the bride isn’t entitled or selfish, but rather just…human. She’s lost contact for one of the other reasons above—getting distracted by married life, feeling like she doesn’t have anything exciting to share, or being unaware contact has dropped off between you two.
In these scenarios, it’s usually enough to just reach out and start the conversation yourself.
Give the bride some grace, too. Yes, it’s hard not to feel annoyed when a friend stops contacting us once her wedding is over—but rarely is she doing it on purpose.
If you find out it is one of the other reasons, though (she’s mad at you or upset, or was just using you as unpaid staff) the bigger question isn’t how to get the bride talking to you more, but do you even want to?
Friends who habitually hide their feelings or passive-aggressively dodge texts and calls when they’re angry, tend not to stay my friends for very long. Yes, conflict is tough. But friends owe it to their friends to be honest and air out that laundry.
If the bride is unwilling to partake in an adult discussion about it, that friendship simply isn’t worth your time anymore. Ditto on brides who use their bridesmaids as free staff, or treated them poorly in other ways.
Fortunately, these scenarios are rarely the case. Usually, all it’ll take to get your level of contact back up is some patience, time, and your willingness to take that first step in reaching out.
_____
Is a recently-married friend giving you silence or the cold shoulder? Share your experiences below.
No Comments